Building Boats and Burning Ships: Part 1

    Hello internet friends. This year has been a wild ride so far, and it is only the first week in February.  The amount of stupid, stupid stuff that has happened is simply mind boggling. And not just to me. In talking with friends at church and whatnot, the amount of stuff they're also dealing with is just stupid. 

    I realize it's been awhile since I last blogged (like, a whole year) so I decided to go back and read my last post before diving in again, and this line jumped out at me: "Which is why I am so excited for this new year. The Lord has promised me that this year is the year of Hope." And let me tell you friends, last year was one of the hardest years I've had. 

    But what does that have to do with Hope, you might ask? Well, I was reminded of something the other day - whatever we pray for, we get the opposite of. You want more patience? You get trials to grow your patience? Want more joy? Gotta go through some suffering first to grow the joy. You can't have one without the other, it seems. I wanted more hope - it appears I had to walk through a whole heck of a lot of grief first. Last January, our church was offering a grief class, and I was not prepared for how draining it is to process grief. Because let's be honest, no one really talks about grief, and how exhausting it can be. 

    And I tried to blog about it, but I didn't have the words - the emotions were too big for words. So I cried a lot, prayed a lot. Did my normal life, too, because life goes on. Even when all I wanted to do was crawl into bed and sleep for at least a week. Which, as we all know, isn't exactly practical if you are a parent or have bills to pay.

    But a couple of weeks ago, I was talking with my Bible study ladies, and we were discussing praying for situations, and jokingly the comment was made that one should be careful what you pray for, and how you pray for it, because it never quite turns out how you expect. Like, patience and trials. And I realized (only took me an entire year) that hope and grief are the same way. 

    And then the next day I heard this song. Now, granted, I had heard this song many times before, but sometimes songs hit differently at different times.  

    The beauty of this song is the hope that is promised. I still feel like I'm stuck in the desert, but because I have faith and hope I'm going to build my boat. But Christy, you may be asking, if you are building a boat, then why are you also burning ships? That, my beautiful friend, is another story for a different day. Until then, pray the brave prayers. Ask for patience, for joy, for hope, for the dreams of your heart. Because He longs to give you more than you could possibly imagine. Even when it doesn't look like what you think it should. 

In His Love and Hope,

Christy

Hope for a New Year

    I don't know about the rest of you, but the past few years have been a struggle. Like, I wasn't on the struggle bus, I WAS the struggle bus, as my child likes to say. If  it wasn't one thing, then it was another. Not always necessarily bad things, but hard things nonetheless. And I got so worn out. Both emotionally and physically. There were days that I got through on faith and coffee alone. Because I didn't have anything left inside of me to give. 

    Now, don't misunderstand. There were parts of the year that were wonderful and fun and full of laughter and joy. But when the hard days outweigh the good ones, it is easy to get bogged down by the hard, the struggle. When you've lived in survival mode for a long time, you don't even realize you are doing it. And I have been living in survival mode for far too long now. 

    Which is why I am so excited for this new year. The Lord has promised me that this year is the year of Hope.  And everywhere I turn, I keep hearing or seeing hope mentioned. I'm sure it's always been there, but I've been so focused on surviving that I haven't noticed. It is hard to live with hope in your heart when you are focusing on surviving. It doesn't leave a whole lot of room for hope. I wanted hope. I needed hope. But it felt like it was just outside of my grasp. So I focused on getting through my days, one day at a time. Trusting Jesus that at some point, it would get better. It had to, right? 

    Don't believe, though, that I think my life is going to be all sunshine and rainbows now because I have hope. I am under no delusions about the fact that life is still going to have hard things. But I've been doing some research into the various facets of hope. There are so many layers and complexities to this emotion. For it is an emotion, but it isn't a fleeting one that comes and goes. And it is more than just a simple emotion. It is an extension of faith, because our hope is rooted in our belief of who God is, and who we are to Him. My walk of faith can be, and should be, expectant and hopeful. 

    

    So when I am starting to feel burdened down again, I will raise my hands and sing "Hallelujah", because my hope is in my Maker and Healer. For, as the Psalmist says, "He only is my rock and my salvation; He is my defense; I shall not be moved." (Psalm 62:6 NKJV) And that gives me hope. 

In His Love and Hope,

Christy

Christmas Joy

    Christmas time... I remember as a child being so excited for Christmas, it was such a magical time of the year. And when I was twelve, we moved to a state where it snowed, and I had my first ever white Christmas. I was in love. 

        Over time, though, I grew up... and life got hard... and Christmas didn't seem quite as magical as it once did... Especially the past few years... 

    Then this year, my son spent today with his father. It isn't the first time that my son and I have not spent Christmas day together, but it was harder this year than other years. I was really sad about it leading up to today, and have spent a fair amount of time in prayer about it, trying to wrestle through all the different emotions I was having.

    While I was struggling through the midst of all of this, the Lord gifts me with the word for next year - HOPE. And while I'm still sad, I have started to have this peace settle into my soul.

   

And I have started to think about what exactly is Christmas Joy? And why do people struggle more with sadness and depression at Christmas time? I know I have had my own struggles... life gets hard and the magic seems to disappear, and it is so easy to get caught up in the daily grind that wears at the soul. And the heart yearns to be at peace, and the world seems filled with strife and chaos. I feel like I try, but often my efforts are not the best, and my life looks like my Christmas tree, not finished, not done correctly, but it's there and shining as best it can.

    But then, I look to the manger, where a King stepped down from heaven because of love. Knowing He would die, He chose to be born into the mess. He came to bring us joy and hope. And my soul is overwhelmed with the love that God showed us. Again. Over and over again throughout Scriptures God shows His everlasting, enduring love for His children. Then, in the darkest hour, during the complete silence from Heaven, Jesus was born in a manger. And the angels filled the countryside proclaim the Good News, of Great Joy, for all people. What amazing hope was born that night. And He reminds me I don't have to walk alone. I am never alone. Because Jesus was born to bring ME HOPE.

    And my soul sings back a hallelujah. Because there is no other response that I can give. Even in the midst of all my sorrow and grief, I can still have hope. 

    This song is one of my favorite Christmas songs this year... it has been one of my favorite songs for years. I pray it brings you the same hope and joy it has brought me this year. Because in the midst of your sorrow and mess, Jesus can come and sit with you, and bring you peace and hope. May the God of joy give you Christmas Joy this day.

In His Enduring, Overflowing Love,

Christy

Hope for a Hurting Heart

     I don't know about you, but this year has been a hard year for me. I swear, if it's not one thing, it is another. This year has been full of big things, hard things, good things, unexpected things. And as this year is drawing to a close, I've started thinking about next year - what do I want from this new year, what are some goals, plans, or projects I want to see completed? It's something I've done almost every new year - beginning the new year with a fresh start, if you will. Granted, there isn't much difference between December 31 and January 1, but I like to take the opportunity to take stock, evaluate my life, and pray about what needs to change. 

    One of my favorite parts of a new year is praying about a new "word for the year". If you've never done that before, I encourage you to look into and ask the Lord if He has a word for you. Today I saw someone post about it on social media, and I started praying, "Lord, what word-" and before I could even finish the thought the word was there. 

Hope

    It was like He was waiting with baited breath for me to ask Him. "It shall come to pass that before they call, I will answer; and while they are still speaking, I will hear." (Isaiah 65:24 NKJV) This verse came alive in a very real way in my life today, and brought a whisper of hope across my soul. Hope is such a small word, only four letters, but it has such a deep and broad meaning. Oftentimes, we say it so glibly, "Oh, I hope this happens," or "I really hope today goes well" etc. etc. but there is so much more to it than that. A promise of something better, a feeling of trust.

    There's something about Christmas that brings a new sense of hope. Jesus was born to bring us hope. He was, is, the hoped for Messiah. The angels announced it outside Bethlehem - "Behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy which will be for all people." (Luke 2:10 NKJV) That "all people" includes you and me. We can have hope in this messed up, crazy world we find ourselves living in today. 

    Does this mean that I think I won't be sad anymore? Not hardly. I think I cried twice today. Not hard, not long, but definitely was sad. But I can have hope in the midst of it all. Because I trust in the Giver of Hope. And He is ready and waiting for me to call on Him. Always. And that gives me hope. So, my dear friend, if you are struggling today, may the hope of our Lord Jesus bring peace to your soul. 

In His Love,

Christy

Unwanted Anniversaries

    Two years have passed since my divorce became official. Five years ago today was the day I told my ex he needed to move and figure out what he wanted in life. It seems like both a lifetime has passed, and that only yesterday my life was completely different. It was never a road I wanted to walk down, but rather one I found myself on, for reasons beyond my control. 

    If you had asked me 8 years ago when I got married, what my life would look like in 8 years, I probably would have told you something along the lines of living in a house with my husband, have a couple of kids already, being a stay-at-home mom, things like that. Basically, my dream life. Because that's what happens when you grow up, right? You get married, you have kids, a job, and you live life.  

    But what do you do when the unthinkable happens? When what you thought your future would be, isn't what it turned out to be? What then? How do you pick up and move on when your entire life is shattered into a million pieces around you?

    Honestly, I didn't know then, and I'm not sure I could answer that question now... How did I get through the last few years? Only by the grace of Jesus have I made it this far.    

 But there are times I wonder, will the wounds heal? After all, it has been five years since I made the first step on this journey. Five very long years. And now I have unwanted anniversaries, days I remember when dreams died... I know I'm not the only one who has dates that make them sad. And I bet you think you are the only one who remembers them. You might be the only one who remembers that specific date, but you are not alone. We all have our own journeys, our own hard things that have left wounds on our souls. The only question left now is, what do you do with it? What do you do with the dates that leave you feeling broken inside?    

    When everything had been stripped away, the only thing left was Jesus, and I have held on to Him with a tenacity I didn't know I had inside me. Because I knew, as long as I had Jesus, I could get through anything. But life has sucked and it hasn't been much fun, and I have struggled to find the goodness that I thought I was supposed to have. I couldn't seem to find a sunrise, when my future was shrouded in the mist.

 Take today for example. Today I had to work. All I wanted to do was go home, crawl into bed, cry, and then sleep. But I knew that I couldn't give up. Did I cry in the car? Yes. Did I cry inside work? Almost. But I kept moving forward. Yesterday I took the day to be sad, and today I knew I needed to do the day. 

    If there is one thing I've learned on this journey, it's that there is nothing wrong with taking the time to be sad. Give yourself the grace to feel your emotions. Right now, I'm sad a lot. But I know it won't always be so. Doesn't the Bible promise us that there is a time to mourn AND a time to dance? I'm not dancing yet. But I take comfort in the fact that He is always with me. This song came on my Pandora radio station this past weekend, and it has brought healing to my soul.

    Jesus came to bring us peace, and He didn't mean "world peace". He came to heal our wounds in our hearts, to bring comfort and hope. I am not alone, and neither are you. And that is the truth that I have held on to all these years. 

In His Love,

Christy

When life doesn't look like the Faithfulness of God

    Sometimes, life is a struggle. Sometimes, a day feels like an entire week; sometimes a week feels like a whole month. And sometimes, the light at the end of the tunnel seems like it is moving farther and farther away. This past week has felt like that. And I realized today that there are times I have doubted the goodness of God.

    Don't misunderstand me. I do not doubt that God is good. It is part of His character, the makeup of Who God is. But I doubted that, in the midst of all of the hard and life's struggles, that there was goodness in my life. I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that God was providing for me and taking care of me, but it didn't always feel good. I did not doubt His faithfulness, but I doubted His goodness. There were good days, and good moments, but it is easy to be overwhelmed by all of the everything, for lack of a better way to describe it.

    

So then I started to wonder... do I maybe have a wrong understanding of what the goodness of God is? Have I allowed society's interpretation of what is good, or what should be good, to filter how I perceive the good that God has done in my life? Being the word nerd that I am, I went digging. What exactly is the difference between goodness and faithfulness? Is there even a difference?

    I started with a verse my pastor used in his Sunday sermon this past week: Deuteronomy 2:7

    "For the Lord your God has blessed you in all the work of your hand. He knows your trudging through this great wilderness. These forty years the Lord your God has been with you; you have lacked nothing."

    I then did some diving and compiled a comprehensive definition of both goodness and faithfulness. 

    Goodness: Quality of being morally good/virtuous. Quality or state of being kind, honest, generous, helpful, etc. Synonyms include: holy, pure, righteousness.

    Faithfulness: Remaining loyal and steadfast - unfailing; firm in adherence to promises or in observance of duty. 

    This verse is a beautiful picture of both God's faithfulness and His goodness. God's faithfulness: God had been with them. God's goodness: They lacked nothing. The Israelites had wandered in the desert, in the wilderness, the barrenness, and He had been with them and provided for them. I often feel like I'm still walking through my wilderness, my barrenness. Like the Israelites, I too can question and complain. I mourn all that was lost... all that could have been... 

    

    We played this song during the worship set at church last week. This is not the first time I have heard this song, but for whatever reason, it hit different this time. The proclaiming of the faithfulness and goodness of God was a balm to my soul. It has stayed with me, coming to my mind when I needed to remember that I live IN the goodness of God. And I can trust Him. So if you are struggling, dear friend, know you are not alone. There is grace for the struggle, in the journey.

In His Love,

Christy

When You Live with Grief...

This week.... this week has been a hard week...

    Not only have I been sick (ear infections are NOT FUN!) and work has been SUPER stressful (if you know someone in retail, bring them coffee/tea and a hug), but it has also been five years since my whole world came crashing down around me. 

    The week of Thanksgiving, 2016, I learned that my then-spouse of three years had been lying to me for two and a half years, ever since I had had my miscarriage. I was, at the time, in school full time with a one year old son. And the one thing I thought would never happen was happening. 

    Even now, I'm not entirely sure how I got through the first week. One foot in front of the other, basically. My brain shut down, and I couldn't even think my way out of a paper bag. But I remember having to go to the in-laws for Thanksgiving, because that had been the plan. I remember feeling trapped, stuck in a situation I didn't know how to get out of. Trying to be cheerful and smile through it all. It was horrible. We separated a week later. But that is another story for another time.

    This year, Ryan spent Thanksgiving with his dad. And I curled into a ball on my bed and cried. This isn't the first time we have spent Thanksgiving apart, but it is the first time I've had the space to feel it. To grieve all that has been lost. Did I have a lovely day? Also yes. Some of my sisters and their families came over, we ate good food, and watched "Hoodwinked" and "The Great British Baking Show".

    But, at the same time, the grief was still there. I don't know why this year was harder than other years. Maybe because this year has been a year with a lot of emotions; maybe because this was the first time I've had time to actually process what I'm feeling inside instead of shoving it down and moving on, dealing with the next problem. Or ignoring it and hoping it goes away. News flash: it doesn't. The grief and pain just sit there and leak out sideways. Or come back when you least expect it. 

    Do I believe that I did what God wanted me to do? Absolutely. Would I do anything different? No. I don't believe there was anything I could have done that would have resulted in a different outcome. Still doesn't make the grief any less real. And some days I'm completely fine, and then there are the days where I hide in the bathroom at work because I can't keep a polite smile on my face any longer. Am I dreading the holidays this year? A little. It doesn't get easier, it is simply learning how to live in the new normal. I am grateful I do not walk this journey alone. 

    If you are walking through grief, of whatever kind, for whatever reason, I will be praying for you.

In His Love,

Christy