...Waiting...

    Hello, my beautiful friends... any of you ever feel like you are stuck in a holding pattern? Like, no matter what you are doing, nothing ever changes? No, just me? That's ok. I don't mind. Because I know I'm not really alone in this feeling.

    Because, if we were all honest, we'd be able to say that we never thought life would be this hard. That when we were kids, we never imagined life would turn out the way that it did... that dreams that we thought would come true turned out to be a living nightmare. Or they never happened. Or the cost was higher than we expected. Or... fill in the blank with your own hard. Because we all have it. Regardless of the Instagram pictures or the Facebook posts of all the perfection, we all have hard. And oftentimes we feel stuck. I know I do. 

    But guess what, friends? We aren't alone when we are waiting. God is with us. And there is such a relief in letting go of trying to figure it out on your own. Because I struggle with that. Especially lately. There have been some challenges that I'm trying to figure out how to navigate, and there are times when I feel oh so very alone. I know I'm not alone, I have friends and family who care and are willing to be helpful, but it is so easy to feel alone. Especially when things are hard. So I have turned to the One who is always there. And like always, He is right there, with Hope for the waiting. 

    I'm currently doing "Discerning the Voice of God" by Priscilla Shirer, and there's a quote that has stood out to me (I mean, there are many, but I'm limiting myself to one, maybe two for this post), "The Architect of your life knows exactly what He is doing... All you can do is fully engage in the task before you today, believing that 'all things work together for the good of those who love God, who are called according to His purpose' (Rom 8:28 CSB). Never think that your circumstances are disconnected from His leading and His will." And I love that, because it is so easy to get caught up in trying to figure things out, and trying to make things happen, but all I have to do is to keep on doing what He's asked of me, and to keep waiting. And He will take care of the rest.

    So while I've been mulling over all of that, He hits me with this song. And I love how He just drops songs into my life when I need them. He knows that music is part of the heartbeat of my life, and He uses it to encourage and challenge me.

    

    So just know, my beautiful friend, that you are not alone in your waiting. Whatever that may look like in your life. Take courage, and hold on to your hope, because He is never failing. 

In His Love and Hope,

Christy

Building Boats and Burning Ships: Part 2

    Whelp... I had planned on blogging weekly this year, but we can see how well that has been going for me. To be honest, I have started and restarted this post so many times. But my emotions were bigger than the page, and I didn't have words to express them. And every time I sat down to blog, I sat there empty and swallowed up by my emotions. So, I waited. And clearly, kept on waiting. Every so often I would open up this page and stare at it, trying to figure out what to say, how to say it... 

    ...because, my friend, life is hard. My word for last year and now this year is "Hope", and let me tell you, last year was an emotionally exhausting year. In January, our church was offering a grief class, and I was not prepared for how draining it is to process grief. Because let's be honest, no one really talks about grief, and how exhausting it can be. And I don't know why there was so much grief, because it had been a few years since my divorce. Maybe enough time had gone by that I was at a place that I could properly process it, I'm not sure, but it hit me like a freight train. 

    But I kept going, because, you know, there are bills to pay and I have a child to take care of. Life has to be lived, even in the midst of all sorts of hard things. And I knew that, with Jesus, I would make it through. He had been faithful so far, and would continue to be faithful. He had promised in His Word, and I clung to that. 

    Because I never wanted to be divorced. I really didn't. I had no choice. But that's another story for another time. The point is, we all have hard things that we don't want to go through, that leave us with wounds and grief. And sometimes unhealthy coping skills, too. I'm still working on fixing some of mine. You do the best that you can in the moment that you are in. And then, when the time is right, Jesus is like, hey, you know that thing you are doing, and that wound you have? How about you let Me take that from you and help you heal from it? Because He is good that way. He wants us to live healed lives. 

    So in processing a lot of my grief, I had a choice to make - was I going to let the pain of my divorce define my life, forever tying myself to one horrific event, or was I going to let go of the hurt, and the right to be angry, and walk forward in His redeeming grace?

    

    This song has meant a lot to me over the past few months, as I have pondered what it looks like to  "step in to a new day". Outwardly, not much has changed - I still have my same job, go to the same church, my son goes to the same school. But inwardly, my heart feels different. I am burning the old ships and building my new boat. Because what God has is so much more than I can even begin to imagine. And He wants the same for you, too, my beautiful friend. If you are willing to trust Him in this hard process. Will you join me?

In His Love and Hope,

Christy

Building Boats and Burning Ships: Part 1

    Hello internet friends. This year has been a wild ride so far, and it is only the first week in February.  The amount of stupid, stupid stuff that has happened is simply mind boggling. And not just to me. In talking with friends at church and whatnot, the amount of stuff they're also dealing with is just stupid. 

    I realize it's been awhile since I last blogged (like, a whole year) so I decided to go back and read my last post before diving in again, and this line jumped out at me: "Which is why I am so excited for this new year. The Lord has promised me that this year is the year of Hope." And let me tell you friends, last year was one of the hardest years I've had. 

    But what does that have to do with Hope, you might ask? Well, I was reminded of something the other day - whatever we pray for, we get the opposite of. You want more patience? You get trials to grow your patience? Want more joy? Gotta go through some suffering first to grow the joy. You can't have one without the other, it seems. I wanted more hope - it appears I had to walk through a whole heck of a lot of grief first. Last January, our church was offering a grief class, and I was not prepared for how draining it is to process grief. Because let's be honest, no one really talks about grief, and how exhausting it can be. 

    And I tried to blog about it, but I didn't have the words - the emotions were too big for words. So I cried a lot, prayed a lot. Did my normal life, too, because life goes on. Even when all I wanted to do was crawl into bed and sleep for at least a week. Which, as we all know, isn't exactly practical if you are a parent or have bills to pay.

    But a couple of weeks ago, I was talking with my Bible study ladies, and we were discussing praying for situations, and jokingly the comment was made that one should be careful what you pray for, and how you pray for it, because it never quite turns out how you expect. Like, patience and trials. And I realized (only took me an entire year) that hope and grief are the same way. 

    And then the next day I heard this song. Now, granted, I had heard this song many times before, but sometimes songs hit differently at different times.  

    The beauty of this song is the hope that is promised. I still feel like I'm stuck in the desert, but because I have faith and hope I'm going to build my boat. But Christy, you may be asking, if you are building a boat, then why are you also burning ships? That, my beautiful friend, is another story for a different day. Until then, pray the brave prayers. Ask for patience, for joy, for hope, for the dreams of your heart. Because He longs to give you more than you could possibly imagine. Even when it doesn't look like what you think it should. 

In His Love and Hope,

Christy

Hope for a New Year

    I don't know about the rest of you, but the past few years have been a struggle. Like, I wasn't on the struggle bus, I WAS the struggle bus, as my child likes to say. If  it wasn't one thing, then it was another. Not always necessarily bad things, but hard things nonetheless. And I got so worn out. Both emotionally and physically. There were days that I got through on faith and coffee alone. Because I didn't have anything left inside of me to give. 

    Now, don't misunderstand. There were parts of the year that were wonderful and fun and full of laughter and joy. But when the hard days outweigh the good ones, it is easy to get bogged down by the hard, the struggle. When you've lived in survival mode for a long time, you don't even realize you are doing it. And I have been living in survival mode for far too long now. 

    Which is why I am so excited for this new year. The Lord has promised me that this year is the year of Hope.  And everywhere I turn, I keep hearing or seeing hope mentioned. I'm sure it's always been there, but I've been so focused on surviving that I haven't noticed. It is hard to live with hope in your heart when you are focusing on surviving. It doesn't leave a whole lot of room for hope. I wanted hope. I needed hope. But it felt like it was just outside of my grasp. So I focused on getting through my days, one day at a time. Trusting Jesus that at some point, it would get better. It had to, right? 

    Don't believe, though, that I think my life is going to be all sunshine and rainbows now because I have hope. I am under no delusions about the fact that life is still going to have hard things. But I've been doing some research into the various facets of hope. There are so many layers and complexities to this emotion. For it is an emotion, but it isn't a fleeting one that comes and goes. And it is more than just a simple emotion. It is an extension of faith, because our hope is rooted in our belief of who God is, and who we are to Him. My walk of faith can be, and should be, expectant and hopeful. 

    

    So when I am starting to feel burdened down again, I will raise my hands and sing "Hallelujah", because my hope is in my Maker and Healer. For, as the Psalmist says, "He only is my rock and my salvation; He is my defense; I shall not be moved." (Psalm 62:6 NKJV) And that gives me hope. 

In His Love and Hope,

Christy

Christmas Joy

    Christmas time... I remember as a child being so excited for Christmas, it was such a magical time of the year. And when I was twelve, we moved to a state where it snowed, and I had my first ever white Christmas. I was in love. 

        Over time, though, I grew up... and life got hard... and Christmas didn't seem quite as magical as it once did... Especially the past few years... 

    Then this year, my son spent today with his father. It isn't the first time that my son and I have not spent Christmas day together, but it was harder this year than other years. I was really sad about it leading up to today, and have spent a fair amount of time in prayer about it, trying to wrestle through all the different emotions I was having.

    While I was struggling through the midst of all of this, the Lord gifts me with the word for next year - HOPE. And while I'm still sad, I have started to have this peace settle into my soul.

   

And I have started to think about what exactly is Christmas Joy? And why do people struggle more with sadness and depression at Christmas time? I know I have had my own struggles... life gets hard and the magic seems to disappear, and it is so easy to get caught up in the daily grind that wears at the soul. And the heart yearns to be at peace, and the world seems filled with strife and chaos. I feel like I try, but often my efforts are not the best, and my life looks like my Christmas tree, not finished, not done correctly, but it's there and shining as best it can.

    But then, I look to the manger, where a King stepped down from heaven because of love. Knowing He would die, He chose to be born into the mess. He came to bring us joy and hope. And my soul is overwhelmed with the love that God showed us. Again. Over and over again throughout Scriptures God shows His everlasting, enduring love for His children. Then, in the darkest hour, during the complete silence from Heaven, Jesus was born in a manger. And the angels filled the countryside proclaim the Good News, of Great Joy, for all people. What amazing hope was born that night. And He reminds me I don't have to walk alone. I am never alone. Because Jesus was born to bring ME HOPE.

    And my soul sings back a hallelujah. Because there is no other response that I can give. Even in the midst of all my sorrow and grief, I can still have hope. 

    This song is one of my favorite Christmas songs this year... it has been one of my favorite songs for years. I pray it brings you the same hope and joy it has brought me this year. Because in the midst of your sorrow and mess, Jesus can come and sit with you, and bring you peace and hope. May the God of joy give you Christmas Joy this day.

In His Enduring, Overflowing Love,

Christy

Hope for a Hurting Heart

     I don't know about you, but this year has been a hard year for me. I swear, if it's not one thing, it is another. This year has been full of big things, hard things, good things, unexpected things. And as this year is drawing to a close, I've started thinking about next year - what do I want from this new year, what are some goals, plans, or projects I want to see completed? It's something I've done almost every new year - beginning the new year with a fresh start, if you will. Granted, there isn't much difference between December 31 and January 1, but I like to take the opportunity to take stock, evaluate my life, and pray about what needs to change. 

    One of my favorite parts of a new year is praying about a new "word for the year". If you've never done that before, I encourage you to look into and ask the Lord if He has a word for you. Today I saw someone post about it on social media, and I started praying, "Lord, what word-" and before I could even finish the thought the word was there. 

Hope

    It was like He was waiting with baited breath for me to ask Him. "It shall come to pass that before they call, I will answer; and while they are still speaking, I will hear." (Isaiah 65:24 NKJV) This verse came alive in a very real way in my life today, and brought a whisper of hope across my soul. Hope is such a small word, only four letters, but it has such a deep and broad meaning. Oftentimes, we say it so glibly, "Oh, I hope this happens," or "I really hope today goes well" etc. etc. but there is so much more to it than that. A promise of something better, a feeling of trust.

    There's something about Christmas that brings a new sense of hope. Jesus was born to bring us hope. He was, is, the hoped for Messiah. The angels announced it outside Bethlehem - "Behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy which will be for all people." (Luke 2:10 NKJV) That "all people" includes you and me. We can have hope in this messed up, crazy world we find ourselves living in today. 

    Does this mean that I think I won't be sad anymore? Not hardly. I think I cried twice today. Not hard, not long, but definitely was sad. But I can have hope in the midst of it all. Because I trust in the Giver of Hope. And He is ready and waiting for me to call on Him. Always. And that gives me hope. So, my dear friend, if you are struggling today, may the hope of our Lord Jesus bring peace to your soul. 

In His Love,

Christy

Unwanted Anniversaries

    Two years have passed since my divorce became official. Five years ago today was the day I told my ex he needed to move and figure out what he wanted in life. It seems like both a lifetime has passed, and that only yesterday my life was completely different. It was never a road I wanted to walk down, but rather one I found myself on, for reasons beyond my control. 

    If you had asked me 8 years ago when I got married, what my life would look like in 8 years, I probably would have told you something along the lines of living in a house with my husband, have a couple of kids already, being a stay-at-home mom, things like that. Basically, my dream life. Because that's what happens when you grow up, right? You get married, you have kids, a job, and you live life.  

    But what do you do when the unthinkable happens? When what you thought your future would be, isn't what it turned out to be? What then? How do you pick up and move on when your entire life is shattered into a million pieces around you?

    Honestly, I didn't know then, and I'm not sure I could answer that question now... How did I get through the last few years? Only by the grace of Jesus have I made it this far.    

 But there are times I wonder, will the wounds heal? After all, it has been five years since I made the first step on this journey. Five very long years. And now I have unwanted anniversaries, days I remember when dreams died... I know I'm not the only one who has dates that make them sad. And I bet you think you are the only one who remembers them. You might be the only one who remembers that specific date, but you are not alone. We all have our own journeys, our own hard things that have left wounds on our souls. The only question left now is, what do you do with it? What do you do with the dates that leave you feeling broken inside?    

    When everything had been stripped away, the only thing left was Jesus, and I have held on to Him with a tenacity I didn't know I had inside me. Because I knew, as long as I had Jesus, I could get through anything. But life has sucked and it hasn't been much fun, and I have struggled to find the goodness that I thought I was supposed to have. I couldn't seem to find a sunrise, when my future was shrouded in the mist.

 Take today for example. Today I had to work. All I wanted to do was go home, crawl into bed, cry, and then sleep. But I knew that I couldn't give up. Did I cry in the car? Yes. Did I cry inside work? Almost. But I kept moving forward. Yesterday I took the day to be sad, and today I knew I needed to do the day. 

    If there is one thing I've learned on this journey, it's that there is nothing wrong with taking the time to be sad. Give yourself the grace to feel your emotions. Right now, I'm sad a lot. But I know it won't always be so. Doesn't the Bible promise us that there is a time to mourn AND a time to dance? I'm not dancing yet. But I take comfort in the fact that He is always with me. This song came on my Pandora radio station this past weekend, and it has brought healing to my soul.

    Jesus came to bring us peace, and He didn't mean "world peace". He came to heal our wounds in our hearts, to bring comfort and hope. I am not alone, and neither are you. And that is the truth that I have held on to all these years. 

In His Love,

Christy