...Waiting...

    Hello, my beautiful friends... any of you ever feel like you are stuck in a holding pattern? Like, no matter what you are doing, nothing ever changes? No, just me? That's ok. I don't mind. Because I know I'm not really alone in this feeling.

    Because, if we were all honest, we'd be able to say that we never thought life would be this hard. That when we were kids, we never imagined life would turn out the way that it did... that dreams that we thought would come true turned out to be a living nightmare. Or they never happened. Or the cost was higher than we expected. Or... fill in the blank with your own hard. Because we all have it. Regardless of the Instagram pictures or the Facebook posts of all the perfection, we all have hard. And oftentimes we feel stuck. I know I do. 

    But guess what, friends? We aren't alone when we are waiting. God is with us. And there is such a relief in letting go of trying to figure it out on your own. Because I struggle with that. Especially lately. There have been some challenges that I'm trying to figure out how to navigate, and there are times when I feel oh so very alone. I know I'm not alone, I have friends and family who care and are willing to be helpful, but it is so easy to feel alone. Especially when things are hard. So I have turned to the One who is always there. And like always, He is right there, with Hope for the waiting. 

    I'm currently doing "Discerning the Voice of God" by Priscilla Shirer, and there's a quote that has stood out to me (I mean, there are many, but I'm limiting myself to one, maybe two for this post), "The Architect of your life knows exactly what He is doing... All you can do is fully engage in the task before you today, believing that 'all things work together for the good of those who love God, who are called according to His purpose' (Rom 8:28 CSB). Never think that your circumstances are disconnected from His leading and His will." And I love that, because it is so easy to get caught up in trying to figure things out, and trying to make things happen, but all I have to do is to keep on doing what He's asked of me, and to keep waiting. And He will take care of the rest.

    So while I've been mulling over all of that, He hits me with this song. And I love how He just drops songs into my life when I need them. He knows that music is part of the heartbeat of my life, and He uses it to encourage and challenge me.

    

    So just know, my beautiful friend, that you are not alone in your waiting. Whatever that may look like in your life. Take courage, and hold on to your hope, because He is never failing. 

In His Love and Hope,

Christy

When You Live with Grief...

This week.... this week has been a hard week...

    Not only have I been sick (ear infections are NOT FUN!) and work has been SUPER stressful (if you know someone in retail, bring them coffee/tea and a hug), but it has also been five years since my whole world came crashing down around me. 

    The week of Thanksgiving, 2016, I learned that my then-spouse of three years had been lying to me for two and a half years, ever since I had had my miscarriage. I was, at the time, in school full time with a one year old son. And the one thing I thought would never happen was happening. 

    Even now, I'm not entirely sure how I got through the first week. One foot in front of the other, basically. My brain shut down, and I couldn't even think my way out of a paper bag. But I remember having to go to the in-laws for Thanksgiving, because that had been the plan. I remember feeling trapped, stuck in a situation I didn't know how to get out of. Trying to be cheerful and smile through it all. It was horrible. We separated a week later. But that is another story for another time.

    This year, Ryan spent Thanksgiving with his dad. And I curled into a ball on my bed and cried. This isn't the first time we have spent Thanksgiving apart, but it is the first time I've had the space to feel it. To grieve all that has been lost. Did I have a lovely day? Also yes. Some of my sisters and their families came over, we ate good food, and watched "Hoodwinked" and "The Great British Baking Show".

    But, at the same time, the grief was still there. I don't know why this year was harder than other years. Maybe because this year has been a year with a lot of emotions; maybe because this was the first time I've had time to actually process what I'm feeling inside instead of shoving it down and moving on, dealing with the next problem. Or ignoring it and hoping it goes away. News flash: it doesn't. The grief and pain just sit there and leak out sideways. Or come back when you least expect it. 

    Do I believe that I did what God wanted me to do? Absolutely. Would I do anything different? No. I don't believe there was anything I could have done that would have resulted in a different outcome. Still doesn't make the grief any less real. And some days I'm completely fine, and then there are the days where I hide in the bathroom at work because I can't keep a polite smile on my face any longer. Am I dreading the holidays this year? A little. It doesn't get easier, it is simply learning how to live in the new normal. I am grateful I do not walk this journey alone. 

    If you are walking through grief, of whatever kind, for whatever reason, I will be praying for you.

In His Love,

Christy

Breaking the Silence

Well, I'll be honest and say that this post was not the post that I thought I was going to get to write a couple of months ago. But once again, God has got a different plan in mind for me than I did for myself. I suppose I should be used to this fact by now, but every time I think I've got something figured out, I realize I don't. :)

   This Mother's Day, Josh and I announced that we were expecting a baby. On Mother's Day. I was so happy. My birthday was just a few days away, and it seemed so fitting. The next day, I started spotting. What followed was a nearly four week long journey of hoping, of praying, that everything would turn out okay, and the baby would make it. But she didn't...

 You see, I've started this post a couple of times now, and each time I've started it, I've had to walk away. A part of me just isn't ready to talk about it on my blog yet... One day I will be, but right now, all I want to do is cry. It hurts. I don't know for sure if it was a girl or a boy, but we named her Lily Rose anyway.  I have a lot I want to say about those four weeks, but it's hard, and my thoughts feel like fragments. Wisps of thoughts that hover on the edge, without form or substance. One day I'll get them all down but I'm okay with the fact that today isn't today... 

  I don't have any words of wisdom or anything to say. In fact, I'm not quite sure how to end this blog post. Life continues on. We finally got all the books put away (we had all the carpet in the house replaced) and was that ever a project! Now I just have to update the list (ha!). Josh started a new job at the beginning of July and is enjoying it. I'm enjoying getting to see him again. :) I've been sick for the past two & half weeks - started out with a staff infection in my throat. I went in and saw the doctor again today because this stupid fever isn't going away. We aren't entirely sure what it is - we do know that it isn't strep. But they are running some tests and I should hopefully know something in the next few days. My family is going on a mini vacation next week. Oh, and I got into St. Catherine! I'm super excited about it!!! I'll be studying ASL to become an interpreter. They have one of the best programs in the nation, and it's right here in the twin cities. And because I'm a transfer student, I received a scholarship. That totally blew me away. 

Life goes on... bitter and sweet all mixed together. There's a quote that I like. "The way I see it, life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don't always soften the bad things, but vice versa, the bad things don't necessarily spoil the good things or make them unimportant." I'm working on appreciating the good in the midst of the hard, and looking for the good in the hard. 

"Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written, the days fashioned for me, when as yet there were none of them. How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How great is the sum of them! If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand; when I awake, I am still with You." Psalm 139: 16-18

In His Love,

Christy

Thoughts

Standing in the Rain.

Hey guys... So it's been a couple of weeks since I posted anything. I got the flu, twice, in the space of a week. :/ NOT FUN! But it's finally all gone, and I'm feeling like I'm catching up on life again, so here I am. These past few weeks have been really hard. For the past two and a half years, I've worked at the daycare that is at our church. I have loved my job and the kids. Well, a couple of weeks ago, I ended up losing my job. It was very sudden and unexpected. My heart has been hurting since then. I know God has a plan in all of this, and a part of me is excited to see what happens, but on the other hand, it just doesn't make sense and that makes it difficult.
   See, I've battled feelings of inferiority for most of my teenage/adult life. Feeling like I'm not as important or worth as much others. I've known, to some extent, that that isn't the truth, but it hasn't changed how I felt. I've felt like I couldn't measure up to someone's idea of who or what I should be. I've been replaced, I'm not needed. I'm not valuable. These are all lies that I have believed for most of my life. And they have tried to wreak havoc in my life. I have striven for perfection in the hopes of proving the lies wrong. But they sat in the shadows, waiting for me to mess up and prove that they were right. They hounded my heels, causing me to question what I was doing and why. The other lie that has dodged my every step was one that didn't really sound like a lie. More like I thought that it was the way it was supposed to be. It masqueraded as humility, but really, it wanted to own me. The lie? I call it Just. I'm only a "just". I downplayed all that I am. My hair and eyes are just brown, I'm only so tall, I'm only an aide, I can only read notes, I can't hear music, etc. You name it, I downplayed it and discounted it. I've looked at others and thought about how much better they were than me. It sat there and whispered and fed the other lies. Just. Such a small word, yet when allowed, it toyed with my life and caused chaos and commotion. It's a lie that because "I'm only a 'just,' I don't matter as much. Others have more to say. Someone else can do it better."
   And not only was this a lie that caused me to doubt myself and God, but I used this lie as a shield to keep myself safe. That way, others couldn't discount me. If I didn't reach out and try for things, no one could say that I failed. Or that I didn't measure up. Or I wasn't good enough. Or whatever. It didn't really matter, I just didn't want to be belittled or made fun of. To be made like I didn't matter.
   But it doesn't matter what other people say about me. Because all of those lies are just that. Lies. They aren't what God says about me. He says that He CHOSE me. He called me by name. I don't need to prove anything to anyone because I am His. I am His beloved. And nothing is wasted. Everything works together for my good. And He knows the plans that He has for me, I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
   These are all thoughts that have been mulling around in my brain for the past few months... And then I lost my job. And you know what? Those lies didn't rear their ugly heads. God has been working on my heart, and I know that it is all going to be okay. Am I sad? You bet! But this I know for sure: God is in control. He is my Beloved, and I am His. He is hiding me in the shadow of His wings, and the storm can't get to me. I just have to chose to trust Him. I'll be honest, though, some days are easier than others. I grieve for all that was lost. But I don't wallow in the lies that I am a failure. Did I mess up? Yes, I didn't do it all perfectly. But that doesn't make me a failure. It just means that I am human. And in my humanness, mistakes were made. I'm working on my flaws, and striving to live as Christ has called me. I'm not perfect, but He is perfect in me. And one day, I'll be mature. Mostly. :) There's a part of me that will always remain childlike, but I like that part of me. :)
   I apologize for the length, but hopefully this has encouraged you as much as it has encouraged me. For in putting all these thoughts into words, He has reminded me that I'm not alone, and He is good. And nothing happens that isn't going to be good for me.

In His Love,
   Christy

My Year in Review

So, since I haven't posted in a year, I thought I'd do a quick Year-In-Review, just to catch all y'all up to speed about what's been happening in my life. My last post from last year was in April, with a photo-shoot that my sister did. That following weekend, I got ENGAGED! And my life since then has been a rapid ride, full of many changes, some pleasant, and some not so pleasant.

I'll be honest and say that I thought that I'd never get married. I'd been down that road once already, and it hadn't worked out, and I'd reached a point in my life where I figured I'd missed it, you know? And I really was okay with that. I figured I'd get a cute little house, a couple of cats, and be happy with my writing and my knitting. A good, old-fashioned, old maid, so to speak. And I enjoyed that idea. So when Josh walked into my life, it was a huge upset. Not a bad one, mind you, but a big one. And it did cause a lot of old hurts that I'd thought I'd gotten over to come back up again, in a different way. But by the time Josh proposed, I was head over heals in love, and knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that this was God's plan for the both of us.

So, I got engaged in April, and we started wedding planning right away. WOW! I've never been very good at making a lot of decisions when I have a ton of options, and planning a wedding is nothing but full of decisions with a bazillion options. Who knew that people cared what was on the tables, and that it really did matter if the plates were white or not, or if the silverware was clear plastic or white plastic. Really? All that matters? Why? But anyway, I digress. I went dress shopping and found the perfect dress (is there any other?) and things started to fall into place after that. I think it was harder trying to find a bridesmaid's dress than it was to find my dress! No wonder my hair is turning grey. :) It was so amazing how so many people pitched in to help. I had one friend who catered the food, and it was AMAZING! Another friend helped me with the flowers and putting the bouquets and organizing the decorating. If it wasn't for her, I'm not sure how the wedding would have turned out!  And I couldn't have done it without my maid of honor. She was there through it all for me. We made colored sand and melted crayons to make crayon hearts. It was so much fun. Stressful at times, but fun. Crazy, wild, but fun.

And then, almost before I could blink, the wedding date arrived. So many things happened that day, it was CRAZY! But God was good, and everything worked out, and the day just flew by. I got married in September, and it was beyond anything I could imagine. I'll upload some pictures in another blog post, but I don't have access to any right now.

Since then, I've just been working a lot, and adjusting to being married. It's really different, not going to lie, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. I've dealt with a lot of junk from my past these past few months, and Josh has been incredible supportive. God has been washing and cleansing my heart, and I'm learning to walk on the waves while keeping my eyes fixed on Him. But more on that to come later. :) I've just got to say, it's good to be back. I have missed writing and blogging. Hope you all have a wonderful evening!

In His Love,
Christy

News... BIG news...

   So, if you actually read my last blog post, I left a hint of more news than what was in the blog post. But if you didn't, that's okay... I'll still tell you. :)
   I have a secret. Sort of... It isn't really a secret, but neither have I announced it. I've just been enjoying it, but it's time to share it with y'all. I have a Beau. His name is Josh, and we've been getting to know each other for about three months now.
    Now, if you've known me for any length of time, or have been around my blog for awhile, then you know that a few years ago I broke up with my fiance. I went through a lot of trust issues with God after that, and have done a lot of healing these past two years. Earlier this year, I had reached a point where I figured that I was never going to get married, and I was okay with that. I was going to live by myself, with about a half a dozen cats or so, and serve God however I could. But God, once again, had a different plan in mind for me. (Shocking, right? God has a better plan than I do? Who knew? :D)
   So, Details. Because everyone loves knowing the details. :D  My church had a small group for young adults that got together once a week to do a Bible study together. When I got back from Ellerslie, I started going to it again. Josh was in the group, but neither one of us ever really talked to the other person. We had a conversation or two, but nothing major. I had a lot going on, so I didn't make it every week, but I did enjoy it. Then, the group got moved to Wednesday night, and I couldn't go at all since I worked in Kid's Church on Wednesdays. I missed it, but that was okay.
   A few months went by, and in late March/early April, the youth group had a Skate Night as a fundraiser for their mission trip.  I went, and he was there. Since there wasn't anyone else that either of us really knew, we hung out together and chatted. I enjoyed myself, and went home, completely oblivious that God was busy working in his heart.
   A couple more months went by - I joined the worship team, and in early July, I signed up to go on the mission trip to the Netherlands. Then, one Sunday, he showed up to sing in the choir. And then, later that week, there he was at the mission trip meeting. Then, on July 15th, our church had it's annual church picnic, complete with fire truck pulls. Our church never does anything by halves, or the usual way. Instead of tug of war, there was a competition to see which team could pull the fire truck across the finish line the fastest. Since they were in desperate need of women - the team had to consist of 5 guys and 5 girls, no more, no less - I somehow found myself unable to tell Josh no. Then that night, while watching a movie, my phone goes off. I had a Facebook message from him, telling me that he had admired me and my faithfulness and love for God for awhile, and could he have my number so he could get to know me better. After thinking about it and praying about it, I gave him my number. The rest, as they say, is history.
   Now, these past three months have been a bit of a roller coaster, as God has used this to bring many fears that I hadn't realized I had to the surface. I've dealt with fear of rejection, of being left again, of somehow making the wrong decision and messing everything up. And God just keeps on reminding me to trust.  He has the best in mind, and never makes a mistake. Now, don't get me wrong - it's been amazing, and I wouldn't trade these past three months for anything. Josh has been very patient with me as I work through different issues and feelings. This was not what I was expecting would happen in my life right now. But I've come to the realization that life, in and of itself, is one big unexpected experience. And I'm becoming okay with that.
   I'm very happy right now, and we get along really well. We both are actively involved in children's ministries, as well as other areas in our church. My family loves him, and he fits in very well. So, if you think of us, pray for us, as we figure out where God is leading this relationship. We both want this relationship to work, and to bring glory to God, for what other reason is there for our existence except to bring honor and glory to His Name?
   In His Love,
      Christy

September 11th..... 10 years later....

I started this post on Sunday, as that was the date of the 10 year anniversary, but today is also the day of the 10 year anniversary, so I feel like it fits for today as well....

Today marks the tenth anniversary of the terrorist attack on America... 

       Ten years ago, the day dawned bright and beautiful all across the nation... The kind of day that beckons one outside to enjoy it before winter comes.  An idyllic day that one dreams of...  Little did we all know that the day was going to change the rest of our lives for forever.  I was working on school in the basement when my sister came in and told me that a plane had crashed into a building in New York.  I couldn't even begin to believe that someone would purposely crash into a building... It just didn't happen!  When Mom got home, she turned on the tv and I watched in horror as they replayed the airplanes driving into the towers.    I will never forget that moment...  Watching in horror as I learned that we weren't invincible... We were not a might nation that conquered all.  In fact, someone hijacked our planes and purposely crashed them into the Twin Towers and the Pentagon... And then I learned about the plane that went down in Pennsylvania...

     This song was sung at our church last Sunday in honor of 9/11.... "Where Were You (When the World Stopped Turning) by Alan Jackson.




    One of the things that I miss the most though is the spirit of unity that united our nation against the terrorists who had attacked us.  We rose to the challenge that was before us in beautiful ways... But years go by, and for most of us, it isn't a part of our world anymore...
     And I think that we have lost something that was precious.  And that makes me sad.....  There are children who don't have a parent... Daughters that have gotten married and didn't have a dad to walk them down the aisle, or a mother to help pick a wedding dress... Or parents whose children died... Wives and Husbands separated... All of them still live with this, every day.  Yes, it gets easier with time, but it never goes away.  But how many of us actually think about 9/11 on a regular basis?  Not that the horrible tragedy is something that we should dwell on, but do we stop and thank a fire fighter for doing his job?  For being willing to rush into a burning building, to help save lives?  Do we stop and thank a soldier for fighting for our freedom?  How have we allowed the tragedy to make us better people?  Have we allowed it to stretch and grow us, or have we just continued as we were, content in our little bubble?

     I don't mean to sound preachy, and if I do, I apologize.  You know, we say we'll never forget, and we won't.  But how often do we still remember?  I know I don't remember as often as I would wish to...

   This is really cute, and I found it on Sunday - YouTube had made all sorts of 9/11 videos easy to find.  I thought the horses are adorable, and the sentiment is touching. :)






In His Love,
     Christy

Random pieces of life... (UBC #22)

So... This past week has been busy.  We had company all week, and I slept in Sean's room. :)  This morning I woke up to Sean pretending to sneeze and then laughing hysterically.  It was so funny, and such a fun way to wake up this morning....
     This evening I gave Sean a bubble bath.  Only, what I wasn't exactly aware of at the fact that Sean's favorite pastime while taking a bubble bath is to throw the bubbles at the person bathing him.  I proceeded to get very wet!
   After cleaning the house, my sisters and I decided to watch a movie.  The choices: Iron Will, Free Style, Ice Princess, Miracle, 7 Brides for 7 Brothers, Cranford, North and South, and last but not least, Wives and Daughters.  Since the four of us were having a hard time coming to a compromise, we devised a rather unique solution.  We wrote down all the names of the movies and put them in an empty Kleenex box.  Then, without looking at the piece of paper, we all drew out one.  After dumping the other four choices on the table, we put the unread pieces that we'd drawn back into the Kleenex box.  I then drew out one piece.  Cranford won.  However, dissension still arose.  Since two of the other three pieces choices in the box also contained Wives and Daughters, as well as North and South, I came up with an ingenious solution.  One episode of Cranford, then one of North and South, and then one of Wives and Daughters.  Yes, it will take hours and hours to finish them, but it's fun this way!  We watched one of Cranford, and then one of North and South before Riah and Kathryn had to head to bed.  But we will watch it again, starting with Wives and Daughters. :)
   Tomorrow I will have to pack, as Annie and I leave for camp bright and early Monday morning.  Item #12 will be started then!  I'm so excited!  I will post lots of pictures when I get back.  Ready or not Adventure, here I come!!!
  In His Love,
     Christy

What If? (UBC #15)

  The theme for my church this year is "What If....?"  What if you changed one thing this year about your walk with God, what would 2012 look like compared to 2010?
   Lately I have been really wrestling with some things, especially now that I've lost my two jobs, and just really trying to understand why it happened.  One night last week, I just said to God, "I don't understand. Why did this happen?"  And clear as a bell, He said, "It isn't for you to ask for understanding, or to ask why.  Instead ask How."
    So.... What if I asked God How He wanted me to live, to love?  And then actually walked it out?  What would my life look like?  How would that change my life and in turn, change the lives of those around me?  What if I walked in love and grace instead of selfishness and indifference?  It won't be easy, that's for sure!  Going against my fleshly nature isn't something I do very well, but I know if I want to grow closer to God, I need to mature.  Honestly, I'd been really struggling with juggling all of the things that I had to take care of, and just asking God what He really wants me to be doing with my life. 
   Now I'm currently jobless, and I don't know exactly what I'm going to be doing.  But I'm okay with that.  And now I can really focus on some things in my life that I need to work on.  And maybe do some of those projects that I haven't had time for.  I'm actually almost excited.  Life is an adventure, and God has the map.  I'll keep you all posted on how the journey is going. 
    In His Love,
       Christy

Winter in my Soul

This past week I had some news that reminded of a previous experience that was painful and hard.  However, I know and believe that God has a plan, and I'm walking forward in His love and grace.  But, with it snowing today and everything being gray again, I remembered a poem that I had written a while ago and I thought I would share it with y'all.

 

Winter In My Soul

 

My dreams lie shattered at my feet,

Mingled with shards of my heart.

I cry till my tears run dry

yet long for more.

It's summer outside,

yet winter in my soul.

 

Heaven is silent for me

I yearn to be free.

I long for spring

but find winter in my soul

 

the ground is frozen beneath my feet,

the sky is hard above my head.

I call your name,

yet my voice echoes back to me.

 

Heaven is silent for me

I yearn to be free.

I long for spring,

but find winter in my soul.

 

How could You let this happen?

Why did you let me go?

Why can't I find you?

Why must Heaven be silent for me?

I long for spring

but find winter in my soul.

 

My heart cries for You, O Lord

I cannot let you go.

I will pound on heaven's door

until winter is gone from my soul.

 

I love You Abba Father

You are never silent to me

I trust You for the spring

while the winter is in my soul.

 

 

    In His Love,

       Christy

 

 

 

Rambling thoughts from the Cinnamon Coffee girl... :)

   Okay, so I'm sitting here, thinking, "I really should put up a new blog post.  I haven't posted since before Christmas, and here it is half way through January.  But what in the world would am I going to post about?"  But, as I'm drinking my coffee, a funny story comes to mind, so I'll start with that.
   This week had been a bit of a drag so far.  The weekend had been so much fun.  My good friend Alyssa came and spent the whole weekend over at our house.  We had so much fun.  Bekah, Alyssa and I went to Jo-Ann's and looked at fabric for a period dress.  Alyssa and I are planning on going to an English Country Ball in March, so we need a period dress.  And I introduced her to Gilmore Girls.  And it was great fun.  But Monday started out as a drag, and the week didn't seem to get any better.  I found out that my hours were going to be cut at work.  It's winter time, so there isn't as much business so I end up with nothing to do.  Makes sense, but still, I've got a lot of things I want to do that cost money... But, I'm rabbit trailing here.
   Anyway, Today was interesting.  I met with Pastor Robin this morning to talk about working with the children's ministries.  I'm so excited about getting involved in a church again.  More on that later.
   This afternoon Bekah and I took my sister Annie to her literature class this afternoon, and then while she was in class, Bekah and I went to go get coffee at Kwik Trip.  We'd been in yesterday, and they were out of cinnamon coffee, hot chocolate, and the syrup for the sprite was out too.  My favorite combination at Kwik Trip is Cinnamon Coffee with Hot Chocolate, and a bit of Cinnamon Creamer.  YUMMY!  Anyway, so we went in today, and they were, again, out of cinnamon coffee.  Bekah and I were rather bummed, and we both lamented out loud that the Cinnamon Coffee was out.  Behind the counter was someone who was making the coffee, and it turns out she was the store manager.  She was making the Cinnamon Coffee, and after hearing about how we didn't get the coffee that we wanted yesterday, said that the coffee was on the house, and we were allowed to get a free soda as well.  She then made some comment about how she needs to hire someone just to make coffee, and I said that I was working for a job.  I asked if she had time to do an interview today and she asked if I had filled out an application.  I hadn't, but I would go home, fill out an application and I would call her.  I went home, filled out an application, and called her.  However, I realized that I hadn't really introduced myself, so telling the person who answered the phone my name would do her no good.  So, I told him, "This is Christy.  Tell her I'm the Cinnamon Coffee girl."  So, tomorrow she is going to call me and we will talk about setting up an interview. At least she will never forget me. :)
  I've also started taking ASL II this semester, and I think I'm going to enjoy it.  It is challenging, but I'm feeling up for a good challenge.  And I'm looking into taking a semester and going to Colorado to take the Ellerslie Leadership Training.  So, this year looks like it could be a really interesting and I'm looking forward to seeing what God has planned for me.  I'll keep you posted!!

   In His Love,
        Christy

Submission...

 "I have found that often when I am struggling the most with something, I actually already know what I should do or am supposed to do, but I don't like it and want to do something else, thereby creating the struggle."
   A few years ago, I was engaged.  After a few months, we ended the engagement.  That whole process is another story for another time.  The important thing is that, I truly believe that God called me into the courtship and He called me out of it.  During the time of when I was struggling with whether or not to end the engagement, I really felt like God was asking me to "lay my 'Isaac' down."  I was devastated, but was willing to trust God.  However, I think a part of me expected a "ram" to show up, or for something to happen so that "Isaac" would come back to me.  And I got angry with God when it didn't happen the way I thought it should have. 
  My "Isaac" - I wanted to be married.  I did truly love the person I was engaged to, and had given him my heart totally and completely.  Don't get me wrong.  But, for the past year or so, I have wanted to be married.  I believe that I have put marriage on a pedestal. Above what God wants to do in my life.  And a part of me was afraid to trust God again.  I'm afraid that He'll ask me to walk away again and I'll never get married.
  All that being said, a couple of weeks ago, I was at church, and the topic was on Submission.  And one thing that Pastor Bill said really stood out.  He used three stories to illustrate true submission - Abraham offering up Isaac, Ananias praying for Saul/Paul (Acts 9:10-17), and Jesus being able to say, "Not My will, but Yours be done."  And Pastor Bill asked the question, "Why were they able to do that?" And I know this is probably really basic, but for me, it was what I needed to hear.  Pastor Bill said, they trusted in God's love.  They knew God and had a relationship with Him.  And just like Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego said, "Even if He doesn't rescue us, we will still do what He says," I need to come to the place where I trust God's love me.  Walking with God isn't a prison.  It isn't a list of do's and don'ts.  It's about a relationship, communication, trust, and love.  And I'm realizing that I cannot love people fully when I myself don't trust my Father's love for me.  I cannot be truly content with my life when I don't trust His love for me. Walking with God is freedom - freedom from lies, discontentment, worries, and fear. 
    And as much as I want to be free, I sometimes think that I am willing to settle because I'm familiar with the fears, worries, and lies.  But if I truly trust God and His love for me, then I shouldn't be willing to settle for anything less than what He wants for me.  So, the question remains, How much do I really and truly trust Him?  I have to honestly say, I don't know.  But I want to find out.  Every day I want to choose His love over my fears.  His grace and mercy over my sins.  His path over my own way.
   Lord, help me please.  I want to submit to Your love, but I can't do it without Your grace.  I want to trust You again.  Forgive me for my hardness of heart and lack of faith.  As I continue to step out in faith, please be with me.  I love You, Lord.  Help me to know You better.  To love You better.  Amen.

   In His Love,
    Christy

Bridging the Great Divide....

I was in church last Sunday, and they were having an intercessory prayer session instead of a regular sermon. I was sitting there, just praying - I really don't remember about what, in all honesty... But there are a few issues in my life that I haven't really been dealing with. Sometimes it is easier to pretend that they aren't really there and hope they go away. But they never do... And like always, God knew what I need to focus on... My heart needs healing & I need to trust Him again. Hence, the following...
"What do I do when the pain is so deep I'm not sure I can trust again?" I prayed. "The pain is like a volcanic chasm, a Great Divide that separates me from You... I know that Jesus can and will heal all wounds. The cross is the bridge that crosses the Great Divide, but I'm afraid. I try and cross, but every time I seem to be getting across and doing better, something happens and I feel like I'm back at the beginning again. If Your love is real, then why is it this way? I want to cross this chasm, but I'm afraid.... I'm afraid of the fire and of falling. Will You really catch me? How can I trust You again?"
And then He answered me in a story, a word picture, if you will...
There was a great chasm, with a river of lava flowing through it. There was a girl on one side and she kept trying to get to the other side. There was a wooden cross that was the bridge, narrow, rough, and wobbly. Slowly, she put one foot in front of the other. Every now and then the bridge would wobble. Once or twice she was crawling, but always moving forward... Finally, after what seemed like forever, she made it across. She stood for a moment, then started walking away from the chasm. Before she got too far away, she looked over her shoulder back at the chasm and saw what she couldn't see when she was crossing - an army of angels surrounding the cross. Huge, mighty warriors, as far as the eye could see, standing guard over the precious daughter of God, sent by her loving All Mighty, Protective Father.
And that's when I knew.... I might not "feel" like I have faith in God. I might still be trying to cross the chasm. But this I know, I must keep moving forward. Even if only a crawl.... For I believe His angels are keeping guard always. And nothing happens that He doesn't know about... Nothing.
So Lord, help me to keep moving forward. Towards You and not away from You. Towards healing and away from anger. Towards trust and faith and away from discontentment and pride. Towards love and away from selfishness. Towards you and away from my own will. Towards peace and healing... The journey will not be easy, I know that, but I can't not go forward. I love You, Lord...