Submission...

 "I have found that often when I am struggling the most with something, I actually already know what I should do or am supposed to do, but I don't like it and want to do something else, thereby creating the struggle."
   A few years ago, I was engaged.  After a few months, we ended the engagement.  That whole process is another story for another time.  The important thing is that, I truly believe that God called me into the courtship and He called me out of it.  During the time of when I was struggling with whether or not to end the engagement, I really felt like God was asking me to "lay my 'Isaac' down."  I was devastated, but was willing to trust God.  However, I think a part of me expected a "ram" to show up, or for something to happen so that "Isaac" would come back to me.  And I got angry with God when it didn't happen the way I thought it should have. 
  My "Isaac" - I wanted to be married.  I did truly love the person I was engaged to, and had given him my heart totally and completely.  Don't get me wrong.  But, for the past year or so, I have wanted to be married.  I believe that I have put marriage on a pedestal. Above what God wants to do in my life.  And a part of me was afraid to trust God again.  I'm afraid that He'll ask me to walk away again and I'll never get married.
  All that being said, a couple of weeks ago, I was at church, and the topic was on Submission.  And one thing that Pastor Bill said really stood out.  He used three stories to illustrate true submission - Abraham offering up Isaac, Ananias praying for Saul/Paul (Acts 9:10-17), and Jesus being able to say, "Not My will, but Yours be done."  And Pastor Bill asked the question, "Why were they able to do that?" And I know this is probably really basic, but for me, it was what I needed to hear.  Pastor Bill said, they trusted in God's love.  They knew God and had a relationship with Him.  And just like Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego said, "Even if He doesn't rescue us, we will still do what He says," I need to come to the place where I trust God's love me.  Walking with God isn't a prison.  It isn't a list of do's and don'ts.  It's about a relationship, communication, trust, and love.  And I'm realizing that I cannot love people fully when I myself don't trust my Father's love for me.  I cannot be truly content with my life when I don't trust His love for me. Walking with God is freedom - freedom from lies, discontentment, worries, and fear. 
    And as much as I want to be free, I sometimes think that I am willing to settle because I'm familiar with the fears, worries, and lies.  But if I truly trust God and His love for me, then I shouldn't be willing to settle for anything less than what He wants for me.  So, the question remains, How much do I really and truly trust Him?  I have to honestly say, I don't know.  But I want to find out.  Every day I want to choose His love over my fears.  His grace and mercy over my sins.  His path over my own way.
   Lord, help me please.  I want to submit to Your love, but I can't do it without Your grace.  I want to trust You again.  Forgive me for my hardness of heart and lack of faith.  As I continue to step out in faith, please be with me.  I love You, Lord.  Help me to know You better.  To love You better.  Amen.

   In His Love,
    Christy