Christmas Joy

    Christmas time... I remember as a child being so excited for Christmas, it was such a magical time of the year. And when I was twelve, we moved to a state where it snowed, and I had my first ever white Christmas. I was in love. 

        Over time, though, I grew up... and life got hard... and Christmas didn't seem quite as magical as it once did... Especially the past few years... 

    Then this year, my son spent today with his father. It isn't the first time that my son and I have not spent Christmas day together, but it was harder this year than other years. I was really sad about it leading up to today, and have spent a fair amount of time in prayer about it, trying to wrestle through all the different emotions I was having.

    While I was struggling through the midst of all of this, the Lord gifts me with the word for next year - HOPE. And while I'm still sad, I have started to have this peace settle into my soul.

   

And I have started to think about what exactly is Christmas Joy? And why do people struggle more with sadness and depression at Christmas time? I know I have had my own struggles... life gets hard and the magic seems to disappear, and it is so easy to get caught up in the daily grind that wears at the soul. And the heart yearns to be at peace, and the world seems filled with strife and chaos. I feel like I try, but often my efforts are not the best, and my life looks like my Christmas tree, not finished, not done correctly, but it's there and shining as best it can.

    But then, I look to the manger, where a King stepped down from heaven because of love. Knowing He would die, He chose to be born into the mess. He came to bring us joy and hope. And my soul is overwhelmed with the love that God showed us. Again. Over and over again throughout Scriptures God shows His everlasting, enduring love for His children. Then, in the darkest hour, during the complete silence from Heaven, Jesus was born in a manger. And the angels filled the countryside proclaim the Good News, of Great Joy, for all people. What amazing hope was born that night. And He reminds me I don't have to walk alone. I am never alone. Because Jesus was born to bring ME HOPE.

    And my soul sings back a hallelujah. Because there is no other response that I can give. Even in the midst of all my sorrow and grief, I can still have hope. 

    This song is one of my favorite Christmas songs this year... it has been one of my favorite songs for years. I pray it brings you the same hope and joy it has brought me this year. Because in the midst of your sorrow and mess, Jesus can come and sit with you, and bring you peace and hope. May the God of joy give you Christmas Joy this day.

In His Enduring, Overflowing Love,

Christy

Hope for a Hurting Heart

     I don't know about you, but this year has been a hard year for me. I swear, if it's not one thing, it is another. This year has been full of big things, hard things, good things, unexpected things. And as this year is drawing to a close, I've started thinking about next year - what do I want from this new year, what are some goals, plans, or projects I want to see completed? It's something I've done almost every new year - beginning the new year with a fresh start, if you will. Granted, there isn't much difference between December 31 and January 1, but I like to take the opportunity to take stock, evaluate my life, and pray about what needs to change. 

    One of my favorite parts of a new year is praying about a new "word for the year". If you've never done that before, I encourage you to look into and ask the Lord if He has a word for you. Today I saw someone post about it on social media, and I started praying, "Lord, what word-" and before I could even finish the thought the word was there. 

Hope

    It was like He was waiting with baited breath for me to ask Him. "It shall come to pass that before they call, I will answer; and while they are still speaking, I will hear." (Isaiah 65:24 NKJV) This verse came alive in a very real way in my life today, and brought a whisper of hope across my soul. Hope is such a small word, only four letters, but it has such a deep and broad meaning. Oftentimes, we say it so glibly, "Oh, I hope this happens," or "I really hope today goes well" etc. etc. but there is so much more to it than that. A promise of something better, a feeling of trust.

    There's something about Christmas that brings a new sense of hope. Jesus was born to bring us hope. He was, is, the hoped for Messiah. The angels announced it outside Bethlehem - "Behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy which will be for all people." (Luke 2:10 NKJV) That "all people" includes you and me. We can have hope in this messed up, crazy world we find ourselves living in today. 

    Does this mean that I think I won't be sad anymore? Not hardly. I think I cried twice today. Not hard, not long, but definitely was sad. But I can have hope in the midst of it all. Because I trust in the Giver of Hope. And He is ready and waiting for me to call on Him. Always. And that gives me hope. So, my dear friend, if you are struggling today, may the hope of our Lord Jesus bring peace to your soul. 

In His Love,

Christy

Unwanted Anniversaries

    Two years have passed since my divorce became official. Five years ago today was the day I told my ex he needed to move and figure out what he wanted in life. It seems like both a lifetime has passed, and that only yesterday my life was completely different. It was never a road I wanted to walk down, but rather one I found myself on, for reasons beyond my control. 

    If you had asked me 8 years ago when I got married, what my life would look like in 8 years, I probably would have told you something along the lines of living in a house with my husband, have a couple of kids already, being a stay-at-home mom, things like that. Basically, my dream life. Because that's what happens when you grow up, right? You get married, you have kids, a job, and you live life.  

    But what do you do when the unthinkable happens? When what you thought your future would be, isn't what it turned out to be? What then? How do you pick up and move on when your entire life is shattered into a million pieces around you?

    Honestly, I didn't know then, and I'm not sure I could answer that question now... How did I get through the last few years? Only by the grace of Jesus have I made it this far.    

 But there are times I wonder, will the wounds heal? After all, it has been five years since I made the first step on this journey. Five very long years. And now I have unwanted anniversaries, days I remember when dreams died... I know I'm not the only one who has dates that make them sad. And I bet you think you are the only one who remembers them. You might be the only one who remembers that specific date, but you are not alone. We all have our own journeys, our own hard things that have left wounds on our souls. The only question left now is, what do you do with it? What do you do with the dates that leave you feeling broken inside?    

    When everything had been stripped away, the only thing left was Jesus, and I have held on to Him with a tenacity I didn't know I had inside me. Because I knew, as long as I had Jesus, I could get through anything. But life has sucked and it hasn't been much fun, and I have struggled to find the goodness that I thought I was supposed to have. I couldn't seem to find a sunrise, when my future was shrouded in the mist.

 Take today for example. Today I had to work. All I wanted to do was go home, crawl into bed, cry, and then sleep. But I knew that I couldn't give up. Did I cry in the car? Yes. Did I cry inside work? Almost. But I kept moving forward. Yesterday I took the day to be sad, and today I knew I needed to do the day. 

    If there is one thing I've learned on this journey, it's that there is nothing wrong with taking the time to be sad. Give yourself the grace to feel your emotions. Right now, I'm sad a lot. But I know it won't always be so. Doesn't the Bible promise us that there is a time to mourn AND a time to dance? I'm not dancing yet. But I take comfort in the fact that He is always with me. This song came on my Pandora radio station this past weekend, and it has brought healing to my soul.

    Jesus came to bring us peace, and He didn't mean "world peace". He came to heal our wounds in our hearts, to bring comfort and hope. I am not alone, and neither are you. And that is the truth that I have held on to all these years. 

In His Love,

Christy

When life doesn't look like the Faithfulness of God

    Sometimes, life is a struggle. Sometimes, a day feels like an entire week; sometimes a week feels like a whole month. And sometimes, the light at the end of the tunnel seems like it is moving farther and farther away. This past week has felt like that. And I realized today that there are times I have doubted the goodness of God.

    Don't misunderstand me. I do not doubt that God is good. It is part of His character, the makeup of Who God is. But I doubted that, in the midst of all of the hard and life's struggles, that there was goodness in my life. I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that God was providing for me and taking care of me, but it didn't always feel good. I did not doubt His faithfulness, but I doubted His goodness. There were good days, and good moments, but it is easy to be overwhelmed by all of the everything, for lack of a better way to describe it.

    

So then I started to wonder... do I maybe have a wrong understanding of what the goodness of God is? Have I allowed society's interpretation of what is good, or what should be good, to filter how I perceive the good that God has done in my life? Being the word nerd that I am, I went digging. What exactly is the difference between goodness and faithfulness? Is there even a difference?

    I started with a verse my pastor used in his Sunday sermon this past week: Deuteronomy 2:7

    "For the Lord your God has blessed you in all the work of your hand. He knows your trudging through this great wilderness. These forty years the Lord your God has been with you; you have lacked nothing."

    I then did some diving and compiled a comprehensive definition of both goodness and faithfulness. 

    Goodness: Quality of being morally good/virtuous. Quality or state of being kind, honest, generous, helpful, etc. Synonyms include: holy, pure, righteousness.

    Faithfulness: Remaining loyal and steadfast - unfailing; firm in adherence to promises or in observance of duty. 

    This verse is a beautiful picture of both God's faithfulness and His goodness. God's faithfulness: God had been with them. God's goodness: They lacked nothing. The Israelites had wandered in the desert, in the wilderness, the barrenness, and He had been with them and provided for them. I often feel like I'm still walking through my wilderness, my barrenness. Like the Israelites, I too can question and complain. I mourn all that was lost... all that could have been... 

    

    We played this song during the worship set at church last week. This is not the first time I have heard this song, but for whatever reason, it hit different this time. The proclaiming of the faithfulness and goodness of God was a balm to my soul. It has stayed with me, coming to my mind when I needed to remember that I live IN the goodness of God. And I can trust Him. So if you are struggling, dear friend, know you are not alone. There is grace for the struggle, in the journey.

In His Love,

Christy

When You Live with Grief...

This week.... this week has been a hard week...

    Not only have I been sick (ear infections are NOT FUN!) and work has been SUPER stressful (if you know someone in retail, bring them coffee/tea and a hug), but it has also been five years since my whole world came crashing down around me. 

    The week of Thanksgiving, 2016, I learned that my then-spouse of three years had been lying to me for two and a half years, ever since I had had my miscarriage. I was, at the time, in school full time with a one year old son. And the one thing I thought would never happen was happening. 

    Even now, I'm not entirely sure how I got through the first week. One foot in front of the other, basically. My brain shut down, and I couldn't even think my way out of a paper bag. But I remember having to go to the in-laws for Thanksgiving, because that had been the plan. I remember feeling trapped, stuck in a situation I didn't know how to get out of. Trying to be cheerful and smile through it all. It was horrible. We separated a week later. But that is another story for another time.

    This year, Ryan spent Thanksgiving with his dad. And I curled into a ball on my bed and cried. This isn't the first time we have spent Thanksgiving apart, but it is the first time I've had the space to feel it. To grieve all that has been lost. Did I have a lovely day? Also yes. Some of my sisters and their families came over, we ate good food, and watched "Hoodwinked" and "The Great British Baking Show".

    But, at the same time, the grief was still there. I don't know why this year was harder than other years. Maybe because this year has been a year with a lot of emotions; maybe because this was the first time I've had time to actually process what I'm feeling inside instead of shoving it down and moving on, dealing with the next problem. Or ignoring it and hoping it goes away. News flash: it doesn't. The grief and pain just sit there and leak out sideways. Or come back when you least expect it. 

    Do I believe that I did what God wanted me to do? Absolutely. Would I do anything different? No. I don't believe there was anything I could have done that would have resulted in a different outcome. Still doesn't make the grief any less real. And some days I'm completely fine, and then there are the days where I hide in the bathroom at work because I can't keep a polite smile on my face any longer. Am I dreading the holidays this year? A little. It doesn't get easier, it is simply learning how to live in the new normal. I am grateful I do not walk this journey alone. 

    If you are walking through grief, of whatever kind, for whatever reason, I will be praying for you.

In His Love,

Christy

Truth be Told...

    Life has been hard lately... and just when I think I've finally got a handle on my emotions, something else happens to wreak havoc in my life and I once again feel like my emotions could swallow me up...

    A few weeks ago, I was going through old documents on my google drive, trying to clean them up, because why not? It wasn't like I had a million other things to do. But some of them weren't titled, and it was bothering me. 

    Anyway, one of the files I opened up was dated from October of last year, and contained some of my rambling thoughts that I wrote down. In a way, it felt like a letter to myself, reminding me of the truth I needed to hear. Because I don't know about you, but I tend to circle the same mountain, dealing with some of the same emotions and struggles. So I thought I would share them with you:

Worthless: as defined by Webster Dictionary - lacking worth, valueless. Useless.

Replaceable: capable of being replaced, expendable. 

Together, these two words have settled into my soul, and held me back. These two words have defined how I have filtered the world, regardless of if I knew it or not. I have felt left out, alone, undesirable. Forgotten. Unnoticed. Unimportant. I have kept myself so busy so as to not have to slow down and feel all of the emotions that are in my heart. I have kept my brain too busy, shoved everything down and pasted a smile on my face. "Fake it till you make it," right? Everything is fine. But I’m not fine. I’m struggling with feeling Forgotten, Inconsequential, Nonessential, Expendable. 

My heart hurts. How do I keep moving through? Every time I feel like things are starting to get better, more emotions rise to the surface, causing more pain and ache. Does this heartache have an end? Will it be like this forever? How long until the door opens? Am I beating against the wrong door? Am I never to be healed? Is this something I am just going to have to live with for the rest of my life? I just want to curl up into a ball and cry my eyes out.

But I don’t have time to wallow. You don’t want me to wallow. That doesn’t bring healing. The only way to have true healing is to look at the lies and compare them against the truth, and identify what is truth and what is a lie. What do You say about me? Who am I to You? I thought I had gotten past all of this. Why is this coming up again? Will I always struggle with feeling this way?

    Last week, a friend asked me how I was doing, and I didn't know how to answer the question - I don't know how I'm doing. I am not fine. I am far from fine. But I am not alone. And I am working on filtering out the lies from the truth.

    My son's favorite song right now is "Truth Be Told" by Matthew West. And I am eternally grateful for the truth in this song. So often I get bogged down by trying to do it all, be it all, take care of it all, and I don't take the time to stop and listen to Him.

    So, my dear friend, if you are not fine, I invite you to be honest. I will not judge you. I promise to have a hug, and maybe chocolate. Only when we walk in honesty and truth will healing be able to do its beautiful work. 

In His Love,

Christy

My Dear Friend

 My Dear Friend,

    I am sorry I wasn't more excited about your announcement. I am happy for you. I am so excited that you are living your best life. Truly. But please, hear my heart... 

      I am still grieving... 

            Grieving what divorce has stolen from me, from my future, from my son. Grieving what was and what could have been. Outwardly, it might look like I am doing just fine. And, for the most part, I am. I am content with my life. Most days I am just fine. 

Squish-Man

And then there are the other days...

    The days when my son asks if he can have a sister...

        The days when I get an invitation to another baby shower, another Save the Date announcement...

Or the days when I am simply sad...

    When getting out of bed and facing ANOTHER day is hard... 

            Another evening when I curl up in an empty bed and wonder if I will cry myself to sleep again...

 And I turn to Jesus and cry on His shoulder... and when I am done, I wipe my eyes and move on with my day, because staying in bed is not an option. Wallowing is not healing. The grief is real, and at times so strong it almost hurts physically. But with Jesus, I am stronger than the grief. 

So, PLEASE, my dear friend, tell me all your wonderful news... I want to know. I want to celebrate with you. These are not either/or emotions. I am both happy for you and grieving at the same time. 

    And when life is hard, please tell me that too. My hard doesn't not negate your hard. No one's life is perfect. I will offer a hug and a shoulder to cry on. Life is messy and hard, and we are in it together.

Sunrise Through the Mist

            One day, it won't be so hard. The grief won't be so big. The wound won't be so fresh. I live with the hope of those days. 

    But until then, my beloved friend, please keep talking to me. I don't know what I would do if you stopped sharing with me because you were afraid of hurting me. Not talking to me would hurt me more. 

    Together we can find a way through the hard...

        That is the promise I hold on to. It is a promise I make to you as well. To understand when life is hard and you are struggling to just get through the day. 

    This is a new song to me... I only heard it last week, and I have been listening to it a lot. This last weekend was hard and I was sad. I needed to hear truth. 

"Run" by Addison Road

    

    So, my dear friend, please extend grace for my journey. I love you and I need you. 

In His Love,

Christy

"Alive and Breathing"

 Hello Friends...

    Where to start? This is actually a question that I wrestle with on a regular basis - how does one start to explain everything that has happened? When one is in the middle of the mess, it is hard to see both the beginning and the ending.

    And the last seven years have been a mess. They've been full of the hard, the struggle, the long road with no end in sight. Filled with a weariness that has seeped into the very marrow of my bones and felt like it would never leave. And I am sure I am not the only one who has felt this way.

    I do not say this to invoke pity or to make you feel sorry for me. I say it because it is the truth. However, it is not the only truth from the last seven years. For I have not walked this hard, long road alone. I know, deep in my soul, that I would not have survived if it wasn't for Jesus. And as I try and figure out what my new normal looks like, I am thankful that I don't have to have the answers, I don't have to know everything. I simply sit at His feet and ask Him what He would have me do. It might be simple, but it is not easy.

    At some point, I am sure, I will share more about everything that has happened in the last seven years. But I won't overwhelm you with everything in one blog post. 😊 

    But in the meantime, I thought I'd share a song that has really spoken to me in the last few months. I don't know about you, but for me, music has always been a way that truth speaks to my heart. There is something about putting words and music together that gives them an ability to be heard in a different way. There have been a few that I have treasured and listened to on repeat over the years. Some have been more quiet, meditative, reflective songs, while others are ones that you blast while you drive with your windows rolled down. This song is one of the latter, and with the lovely fall weather we are currently having, it has been idyllic.

   Alive and Breathing

    If you ask me how I'm doing, I'll probably say, "Alive and Breathing," and this will be what I am thinking of. I hope this song encourages you as much as it encourages me. That you take a moment to stop and breathe. To feel the sunshine on your face, or rain, depending on your weather. May the goodness of God fill your heart and remind you that you are deeply, passionately loved by the One who made you and knows you intimately.

In His Love,

Christy