Leprosy and Divorce

     A leper. An outcast. Untouchable. Unlovable. Alone. Doomed to announce my presence with a cry of "unclean" so everyone would know to stay away. Forever marked. My life forever defined by something I had no control over. I did not want this, and yet I was to bear the burden of this disease for the rest of my life.

And yet…

    Jesus saw. Jesus knew. Jesus reached out and touched me. The first human contact in years. Three words that changed my life. "I am willing." With love and compassion, He looked beyond the surface of the leprosy and healed me. I was no longer an outcast, unable to receive human touch and affection. I could now take my place among my family and friends, whole and unblemished. Because of Jesus' tender loving mercy and overwhelming compassion for me.

    I have read the various stories of the lepers that Jesus had healed countless times. But never have I so identified with the leper as I do now. For I too have been marked as an "other". I, too, bear the burden of a cataclysmic event that defines my life, and yet was something I never wanted or dreamed could happen to me.

Divorced.

    I never wanted this. Never even occurred to me that this would be where I would end up. I know I did what God said to do. I do not doubt that.

But...

    There has been so much loss. So much grief. My future forever altered. Overlooked. Forgotten about. Judged and found wanting. Words that have been said to me that have rankled in my soul. "He couldn't have abused you." "It's not really a Biblical divorce because he didn't commit adultery." "I don't believe you." These were not the words of strangers. That I could have borne better. But these were the words of friends. Of those that I trusted. I know they meant well, but nevertheless, through their words a leprosy crept into my soul. And its name was Unworthy. And it brought with it a friend, whose name was Forgotten.

    And so, there were times I felt isolated. Not quite fitting in with the married couples, even though I have a child. And not quite fitting in with the singles, because I have a child. Knowing that the words "divorce" and "single mom" define me, to some, in a negative light. People tend to assume the worst, and then don't take the time to get to know me as a person.

And yet...

    Jesus sees. Jesus knows. He doesn't assign me those labels as others do. I am His beloved. And He is mine. And His banner over me is LOVE. And there is nowhere I can go from His love. Nothing can happen to me that will separate me from His love. And when the feelings of loneliness and unworthiness try to creep in, I can cling to the unfailing truth that there is One who will never leave me nor forsake me. 

Building Boats and Burning Ships: Part 2

    Whelp... I had planned on blogging weekly this year, but we can see how well that has been going for me. To be honest, I have started and restarted this post so many times. But my emotions were bigger than the page, and I didn't have words to express them. And every time I sat down to blog, I sat there empty and swallowed up by my emotions. So, I waited. And clearly, kept on waiting. Every so often I would open up this page and stare at it, trying to figure out what to say, how to say it... 

    ...because, my friend, life is hard. My word for last year and now this year is "Hope", and let me tell you, last year was an emotionally exhausting year. In January, our church was offering a grief class, and I was not prepared for how draining it is to process grief. Because let's be honest, no one really talks about grief, and how exhausting it can be. And I don't know why there was so much grief, because it had been a few years since my divorce. Maybe enough time had gone by that I was at a place that I could properly process it, I'm not sure, but it hit me like a freight train. 

    But I kept going, because, you know, there are bills to pay and I have a child to take care of. Life has to be lived, even in the midst of all sorts of hard things. And I knew that, with Jesus, I would make it through. He had been faithful so far, and would continue to be faithful. He had promised in His Word, and I clung to that. 

    Because I never wanted to be divorced. I really didn't. I had no choice. But that's another story for another time. The point is, we all have hard things that we don't want to go through, that leave us with wounds and grief. And sometimes unhealthy coping skills, too. I'm still working on fixing some of mine. You do the best that you can in the moment that you are in. And then, when the time is right, Jesus is like, hey, you know that thing you are doing, and that wound you have? How about you let Me take that from you and help you heal from it? Because He is good that way. He wants us to live healed lives. 

    So in processing a lot of my grief, I had a choice to make - was I going to let the pain of my divorce define my life, forever tying myself to one horrific event, or was I going to let go of the hurt, and the right to be angry, and walk forward in His redeeming grace?

    

    This song has meant a lot to me over the past few months, as I have pondered what it looks like to  "step in to a new day". Outwardly, not much has changed - I still have my same job, go to the same church, my son goes to the same school. But inwardly, my heart feels different. I am burning the old ships and building my new boat. Because what God has is so much more than I can even begin to imagine. And He wants the same for you, too, my beautiful friend. If you are willing to trust Him in this hard process. Will you join me?

In His Love and Hope,

Christy

Building Boats and Burning Ships: Part 1

    Hello internet friends. This year has been a wild ride so far, and it is only the first week in February.  The amount of stupid, stupid stuff that has happened is simply mind boggling. And not just to me. In talking with friends at church and whatnot, the amount of stuff they're also dealing with is just stupid. 

    I realize it's been awhile since I last blogged (like, a whole year) so I decided to go back and read my last post before diving in again, and this line jumped out at me: "Which is why I am so excited for this new year. The Lord has promised me that this year is the year of Hope." And let me tell you friends, last year was one of the hardest years I've had. 

    But what does that have to do with Hope, you might ask? Well, I was reminded of something the other day - whatever we pray for, we get the opposite of. You want more patience? You get trials to grow your patience? Want more joy? Gotta go through some suffering first to grow the joy. You can't have one without the other, it seems. I wanted more hope - it appears I had to walk through a whole heck of a lot of grief first. Last January, our church was offering a grief class, and I was not prepared for how draining it is to process grief. Because let's be honest, no one really talks about grief, and how exhausting it can be. 

    And I tried to blog about it, but I didn't have the words - the emotions were too big for words. So I cried a lot, prayed a lot. Did my normal life, too, because life goes on. Even when all I wanted to do was crawl into bed and sleep for at least a week. Which, as we all know, isn't exactly practical if you are a parent or have bills to pay.

    But a couple of weeks ago, I was talking with my Bible study ladies, and we were discussing praying for situations, and jokingly the comment was made that one should be careful what you pray for, and how you pray for it, because it never quite turns out how you expect. Like, patience and trials. And I realized (only took me an entire year) that hope and grief are the same way. 

    And then the next day I heard this song. Now, granted, I had heard this song many times before, but sometimes songs hit differently at different times.  

    The beauty of this song is the hope that is promised. I still feel like I'm stuck in the desert, but because I have faith and hope I'm going to build my boat. But Christy, you may be asking, if you are building a boat, then why are you also burning ships? That, my beautiful friend, is another story for a different day. Until then, pray the brave prayers. Ask for patience, for joy, for hope, for the dreams of your heart. Because He longs to give you more than you could possibly imagine. Even when it doesn't look like what you think it should. 

In His Love and Hope,

Christy

Hope for a Hurting Heart

     I don't know about you, but this year has been a hard year for me. I swear, if it's not one thing, it is another. This year has been full of big things, hard things, good things, unexpected things. And as this year is drawing to a close, I've started thinking about next year - what do I want from this new year, what are some goals, plans, or projects I want to see completed? It's something I've done almost every new year - beginning the new year with a fresh start, if you will. Granted, there isn't much difference between December 31 and January 1, but I like to take the opportunity to take stock, evaluate my life, and pray about what needs to change. 

    One of my favorite parts of a new year is praying about a new "word for the year". If you've never done that before, I encourage you to look into and ask the Lord if He has a word for you. Today I saw someone post about it on social media, and I started praying, "Lord, what word-" and before I could even finish the thought the word was there. 

Hope

    It was like He was waiting with baited breath for me to ask Him. "It shall come to pass that before they call, I will answer; and while they are still speaking, I will hear." (Isaiah 65:24 NKJV) This verse came alive in a very real way in my life today, and brought a whisper of hope across my soul. Hope is such a small word, only four letters, but it has such a deep and broad meaning. Oftentimes, we say it so glibly, "Oh, I hope this happens," or "I really hope today goes well" etc. etc. but there is so much more to it than that. A promise of something better, a feeling of trust.

    There's something about Christmas that brings a new sense of hope. Jesus was born to bring us hope. He was, is, the hoped for Messiah. The angels announced it outside Bethlehem - "Behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy which will be for all people." (Luke 2:10 NKJV) That "all people" includes you and me. We can have hope in this messed up, crazy world we find ourselves living in today. 

    Does this mean that I think I won't be sad anymore? Not hardly. I think I cried twice today. Not hard, not long, but definitely was sad. But I can have hope in the midst of it all. Because I trust in the Giver of Hope. And He is ready and waiting for me to call on Him. Always. And that gives me hope. So, my dear friend, if you are struggling today, may the hope of our Lord Jesus bring peace to your soul. 

In His Love,

Christy

Unwanted Anniversaries

    Two years have passed since my divorce became official. Five years ago today was the day I told my ex he needed to move and figure out what he wanted in life. It seems like both a lifetime has passed, and that only yesterday my life was completely different. It was never a road I wanted to walk down, but rather one I found myself on, for reasons beyond my control. 

    If you had asked me 8 years ago when I got married, what my life would look like in 8 years, I probably would have told you something along the lines of living in a house with my husband, have a couple of kids already, being a stay-at-home mom, things like that. Basically, my dream life. Because that's what happens when you grow up, right? You get married, you have kids, a job, and you live life.  

    But what do you do when the unthinkable happens? When what you thought your future would be, isn't what it turned out to be? What then? How do you pick up and move on when your entire life is shattered into a million pieces around you?

    Honestly, I didn't know then, and I'm not sure I could answer that question now... How did I get through the last few years? Only by the grace of Jesus have I made it this far.    

 But there are times I wonder, will the wounds heal? After all, it has been five years since I made the first step on this journey. Five very long years. And now I have unwanted anniversaries, days I remember when dreams died... I know I'm not the only one who has dates that make them sad. And I bet you think you are the only one who remembers them. You might be the only one who remembers that specific date, but you are not alone. We all have our own journeys, our own hard things that have left wounds on our souls. The only question left now is, what do you do with it? What do you do with the dates that leave you feeling broken inside?    

    When everything had been stripped away, the only thing left was Jesus, and I have held on to Him with a tenacity I didn't know I had inside me. Because I knew, as long as I had Jesus, I could get through anything. But life has sucked and it hasn't been much fun, and I have struggled to find the goodness that I thought I was supposed to have. I couldn't seem to find a sunrise, when my future was shrouded in the mist.

 Take today for example. Today I had to work. All I wanted to do was go home, crawl into bed, cry, and then sleep. But I knew that I couldn't give up. Did I cry in the car? Yes. Did I cry inside work? Almost. But I kept moving forward. Yesterday I took the day to be sad, and today I knew I needed to do the day. 

    If there is one thing I've learned on this journey, it's that there is nothing wrong with taking the time to be sad. Give yourself the grace to feel your emotions. Right now, I'm sad a lot. But I know it won't always be so. Doesn't the Bible promise us that there is a time to mourn AND a time to dance? I'm not dancing yet. But I take comfort in the fact that He is always with me. This song came on my Pandora radio station this past weekend, and it has brought healing to my soul.

    Jesus came to bring us peace, and He didn't mean "world peace". He came to heal our wounds in our hearts, to bring comfort and hope. I am not alone, and neither are you. And that is the truth that I have held on to all these years. 

In His Love,

Christy

When You Live with Grief...

This week.... this week has been a hard week...

    Not only have I been sick (ear infections are NOT FUN!) and work has been SUPER stressful (if you know someone in retail, bring them coffee/tea and a hug), but it has also been five years since my whole world came crashing down around me. 

    The week of Thanksgiving, 2016, I learned that my then-spouse of three years had been lying to me for two and a half years, ever since I had had my miscarriage. I was, at the time, in school full time with a one year old son. And the one thing I thought would never happen was happening. 

    Even now, I'm not entirely sure how I got through the first week. One foot in front of the other, basically. My brain shut down, and I couldn't even think my way out of a paper bag. But I remember having to go to the in-laws for Thanksgiving, because that had been the plan. I remember feeling trapped, stuck in a situation I didn't know how to get out of. Trying to be cheerful and smile through it all. It was horrible. We separated a week later. But that is another story for another time.

    This year, Ryan spent Thanksgiving with his dad. And I curled into a ball on my bed and cried. This isn't the first time we have spent Thanksgiving apart, but it is the first time I've had the space to feel it. To grieve all that has been lost. Did I have a lovely day? Also yes. Some of my sisters and their families came over, we ate good food, and watched "Hoodwinked" and "The Great British Baking Show".

    But, at the same time, the grief was still there. I don't know why this year was harder than other years. Maybe because this year has been a year with a lot of emotions; maybe because this was the first time I've had time to actually process what I'm feeling inside instead of shoving it down and moving on, dealing with the next problem. Or ignoring it and hoping it goes away. News flash: it doesn't. The grief and pain just sit there and leak out sideways. Or come back when you least expect it. 

    Do I believe that I did what God wanted me to do? Absolutely. Would I do anything different? No. I don't believe there was anything I could have done that would have resulted in a different outcome. Still doesn't make the grief any less real. And some days I'm completely fine, and then there are the days where I hide in the bathroom at work because I can't keep a polite smile on my face any longer. Am I dreading the holidays this year? A little. It doesn't get easier, it is simply learning how to live in the new normal. I am grateful I do not walk this journey alone. 

    If you are walking through grief, of whatever kind, for whatever reason, I will be praying for you.

In His Love,

Christy

My Dear Friend

 My Dear Friend,

    I am sorry I wasn't more excited about your announcement. I am happy for you. I am so excited that you are living your best life. Truly. But please, hear my heart... 

      I am still grieving... 

            Grieving what divorce has stolen from me, from my future, from my son. Grieving what was and what could have been. Outwardly, it might look like I am doing just fine. And, for the most part, I am. I am content with my life. Most days I am just fine. 

Squish-Man

And then there are the other days...

    The days when my son asks if he can have a sister...

        The days when I get an invitation to another baby shower, another Save the Date announcement...

Or the days when I am simply sad...

    When getting out of bed and facing ANOTHER day is hard... 

            Another evening when I curl up in an empty bed and wonder if I will cry myself to sleep again...

 And I turn to Jesus and cry on His shoulder... and when I am done, I wipe my eyes and move on with my day, because staying in bed is not an option. Wallowing is not healing. The grief is real, and at times so strong it almost hurts physically. But with Jesus, I am stronger than the grief. 

So, PLEASE, my dear friend, tell me all your wonderful news... I want to know. I want to celebrate with you. These are not either/or emotions. I am both happy for you and grieving at the same time. 

    And when life is hard, please tell me that too. My hard doesn't not negate your hard. No one's life is perfect. I will offer a hug and a shoulder to cry on. Life is messy and hard, and we are in it together.

Sunrise Through the Mist

            One day, it won't be so hard. The grief won't be so big. The wound won't be so fresh. I live with the hope of those days. 

    But until then, my beloved friend, please keep talking to me. I don't know what I would do if you stopped sharing with me because you were afraid of hurting me. Not talking to me would hurt me more. 

    Together we can find a way through the hard...

        That is the promise I hold on to. It is a promise I make to you as well. To understand when life is hard and you are struggling to just get through the day. 

    This is a new song to me... I only heard it last week, and I have been listening to it a lot. This last weekend was hard and I was sad. I needed to hear truth. 

"Run" by Addison Road

    

    So, my dear friend, please extend grace for my journey. I love you and I need you. 

In His Love,

Christy