Leprosy and Divorce

     A leper. An outcast. Untouchable. Unlovable. Alone. Doomed to announce my presence with a cry of "unclean" so everyone would know to stay away. Forever marked. My life forever defined by something I had no control over. I did not want this, and yet I was to bear the burden of this disease for the rest of my life.

And yet…

    Jesus saw. Jesus knew. Jesus reached out and touched me. The first human contact in years. Three words that changed my life. "I am willing." With love and compassion, He looked beyond the surface of the leprosy and healed me. I was no longer an outcast, unable to receive human touch and affection. I could now take my place among my family and friends, whole and unblemished. Because of Jesus' tender loving mercy and overwhelming compassion for me.

    I have read the various stories of the lepers that Jesus had healed countless times. But never have I so identified with the leper as I do now. For I too have been marked as an "other". I, too, bear the burden of a cataclysmic event that defines my life, and yet was something I never wanted or dreamed could happen to me.

Divorced.

    I never wanted this. Never even occurred to me that this would be where I would end up. I know I did what God said to do. I do not doubt that.

But...

    There has been so much loss. So much grief. My future forever altered. Overlooked. Forgotten about. Judged and found wanting. Words that have been said to me that have rankled in my soul. "He couldn't have abused you." "It's not really a Biblical divorce because he didn't commit adultery." "I don't believe you." These were not the words of strangers. That I could have borne better. But these were the words of friends. Of those that I trusted. I know they meant well, but nevertheless, through their words a leprosy crept into my soul. And its name was Unworthy. And it brought with it a friend, whose name was Forgotten.

    And so, there were times I felt isolated. Not quite fitting in with the married couples, even though I have a child. And not quite fitting in with the singles, because I have a child. Knowing that the words "divorce" and "single mom" define me, to some, in a negative light. People tend to assume the worst, and then don't take the time to get to know me as a person.

And yet...

    Jesus sees. Jesus knows. He doesn't assign me those labels as others do. I am His beloved. And He is mine. And His banner over me is LOVE. And there is nowhere I can go from His love. Nothing can happen to me that will separate me from His love. And when the feelings of loneliness and unworthiness try to creep in, I can cling to the unfailing truth that there is One who will never leave me nor forsake me. 

Building Boats and Burning Ships: Part 2

    Whelp... I had planned on blogging weekly this year, but we can see how well that has been going for me. To be honest, I have started and restarted this post so many times. But my emotions were bigger than the page, and I didn't have words to express them. And every time I sat down to blog, I sat there empty and swallowed up by my emotions. So, I waited. And clearly, kept on waiting. Every so often I would open up this page and stare at it, trying to figure out what to say, how to say it... 

    ...because, my friend, life is hard. My word for last year and now this year is "Hope", and let me tell you, last year was an emotionally exhausting year. In January, our church was offering a grief class, and I was not prepared for how draining it is to process grief. Because let's be honest, no one really talks about grief, and how exhausting it can be. And I don't know why there was so much grief, because it had been a few years since my divorce. Maybe enough time had gone by that I was at a place that I could properly process it, I'm not sure, but it hit me like a freight train. 

    But I kept going, because, you know, there are bills to pay and I have a child to take care of. Life has to be lived, even in the midst of all sorts of hard things. And I knew that, with Jesus, I would make it through. He had been faithful so far, and would continue to be faithful. He had promised in His Word, and I clung to that. 

    Because I never wanted to be divorced. I really didn't. I had no choice. But that's another story for another time. The point is, we all have hard things that we don't want to go through, that leave us with wounds and grief. And sometimes unhealthy coping skills, too. I'm still working on fixing some of mine. You do the best that you can in the moment that you are in. And then, when the time is right, Jesus is like, hey, you know that thing you are doing, and that wound you have? How about you let Me take that from you and help you heal from it? Because He is good that way. He wants us to live healed lives. 

    So in processing a lot of my grief, I had a choice to make - was I going to let the pain of my divorce define my life, forever tying myself to one horrific event, or was I going to let go of the hurt, and the right to be angry, and walk forward in His redeeming grace?

    

    This song has meant a lot to me over the past few months, as I have pondered what it looks like to  "step in to a new day". Outwardly, not much has changed - I still have my same job, go to the same church, my son goes to the same school. But inwardly, my heart feels different. I am burning the old ships and building my new boat. Because what God has is so much more than I can even begin to imagine. And He wants the same for you, too, my beautiful friend. If you are willing to trust Him in this hard process. Will you join me?

In His Love and Hope,

Christy

Unwanted Anniversaries

    Two years have passed since my divorce became official. Five years ago today was the day I told my ex he needed to move and figure out what he wanted in life. It seems like both a lifetime has passed, and that only yesterday my life was completely different. It was never a road I wanted to walk down, but rather one I found myself on, for reasons beyond my control. 

    If you had asked me 8 years ago when I got married, what my life would look like in 8 years, I probably would have told you something along the lines of living in a house with my husband, have a couple of kids already, being a stay-at-home mom, things like that. Basically, my dream life. Because that's what happens when you grow up, right? You get married, you have kids, a job, and you live life.  

    But what do you do when the unthinkable happens? When what you thought your future would be, isn't what it turned out to be? What then? How do you pick up and move on when your entire life is shattered into a million pieces around you?

    Honestly, I didn't know then, and I'm not sure I could answer that question now... How did I get through the last few years? Only by the grace of Jesus have I made it this far.    

 But there are times I wonder, will the wounds heal? After all, it has been five years since I made the first step on this journey. Five very long years. And now I have unwanted anniversaries, days I remember when dreams died... I know I'm not the only one who has dates that make them sad. And I bet you think you are the only one who remembers them. You might be the only one who remembers that specific date, but you are not alone. We all have our own journeys, our own hard things that have left wounds on our souls. The only question left now is, what do you do with it? What do you do with the dates that leave you feeling broken inside?    

    When everything had been stripped away, the only thing left was Jesus, and I have held on to Him with a tenacity I didn't know I had inside me. Because I knew, as long as I had Jesus, I could get through anything. But life has sucked and it hasn't been much fun, and I have struggled to find the goodness that I thought I was supposed to have. I couldn't seem to find a sunrise, when my future was shrouded in the mist.

 Take today for example. Today I had to work. All I wanted to do was go home, crawl into bed, cry, and then sleep. But I knew that I couldn't give up. Did I cry in the car? Yes. Did I cry inside work? Almost. But I kept moving forward. Yesterday I took the day to be sad, and today I knew I needed to do the day. 

    If there is one thing I've learned on this journey, it's that there is nothing wrong with taking the time to be sad. Give yourself the grace to feel your emotions. Right now, I'm sad a lot. But I know it won't always be so. Doesn't the Bible promise us that there is a time to mourn AND a time to dance? I'm not dancing yet. But I take comfort in the fact that He is always with me. This song came on my Pandora radio station this past weekend, and it has brought healing to my soul.

    Jesus came to bring us peace, and He didn't mean "world peace". He came to heal our wounds in our hearts, to bring comfort and hope. I am not alone, and neither are you. And that is the truth that I have held on to all these years. 

In His Love,

Christy