Leprosy and Divorce

     A leper. An outcast. Untouchable. Unlovable. Alone. Doomed to announce my presence with a cry of "unclean" so everyone would know to stay away. Forever marked. My life forever defined by something I had no control over. I did not want this, and yet I was to bear the burden of this disease for the rest of my life.

And yet…

    Jesus saw. Jesus knew. Jesus reached out and touched me. The first human contact in years. Three words that changed my life. "I am willing." With love and compassion, He looked beyond the surface of the leprosy and healed me. I was no longer an outcast, unable to receive human touch and affection. I could now take my place among my family and friends, whole and unblemished. Because of Jesus' tender loving mercy and overwhelming compassion for me.

    I have read the various stories of the lepers that Jesus had healed countless times. But never have I so identified with the leper as I do now. For I too have been marked as an "other". I, too, bear the burden of a cataclysmic event that defines my life, and yet was something I never wanted or dreamed could happen to me.

Divorced.

    I never wanted this. Never even occurred to me that this would be where I would end up. I know I did what God said to do. I do not doubt that.

But...

    There has been so much loss. So much grief. My future forever altered. Overlooked. Forgotten about. Judged and found wanting. Words that have been said to me that have rankled in my soul. "He couldn't have abused you." "It's not really a Biblical divorce because he didn't commit adultery." "I don't believe you." These were not the words of strangers. That I could have borne better. But these were the words of friends. Of those that I trusted. I know they meant well, but nevertheless, through their words a leprosy crept into my soul. And its name was Unworthy. And it brought with it a friend, whose name was Forgotten.

    And so, there were times I felt isolated. Not quite fitting in with the married couples, even though I have a child. And not quite fitting in with the singles, because I have a child. Knowing that the words "divorce" and "single mom" define me, to some, in a negative light. People tend to assume the worst, and then don't take the time to get to know me as a person.

And yet...

    Jesus sees. Jesus knows. He doesn't assign me those labels as others do. I am His beloved. And He is mine. And His banner over me is LOVE. And there is nowhere I can go from His love. Nothing can happen to me that will separate me from His love. And when the feelings of loneliness and unworthiness try to creep in, I can cling to the unfailing truth that there is One who will never leave me nor forsake me. 

...Waiting...

    Hello, my beautiful friends... any of you ever feel like you are stuck in a holding pattern? Like, no matter what you are doing, nothing ever changes? No, just me? That's ok. I don't mind. Because I know I'm not really alone in this feeling.

    Because, if we were all honest, we'd be able to say that we never thought life would be this hard. That when we were kids, we never imagined life would turn out the way that it did... that dreams that we thought would come true turned out to be a living nightmare. Or they never happened. Or the cost was higher than we expected. Or... fill in the blank with your own hard. Because we all have it. Regardless of the Instagram pictures or the Facebook posts of all the perfection, we all have hard. And oftentimes we feel stuck. I know I do. 

    But guess what, friends? We aren't alone when we are waiting. God is with us. And there is such a relief in letting go of trying to figure it out on your own. Because I struggle with that. Especially lately. There have been some challenges that I'm trying to figure out how to navigate, and there are times when I feel oh so very alone. I know I'm not alone, I have friends and family who care and are willing to be helpful, but it is so easy to feel alone. Especially when things are hard. So I have turned to the One who is always there. And like always, He is right there, with Hope for the waiting. 

    I'm currently doing "Discerning the Voice of God" by Priscilla Shirer, and there's a quote that has stood out to me (I mean, there are many, but I'm limiting myself to one, maybe two for this post), "The Architect of your life knows exactly what He is doing... All you can do is fully engage in the task before you today, believing that 'all things work together for the good of those who love God, who are called according to His purpose' (Rom 8:28 CSB). Never think that your circumstances are disconnected from His leading and His will." And I love that, because it is so easy to get caught up in trying to figure things out, and trying to make things happen, but all I have to do is to keep on doing what He's asked of me, and to keep waiting. And He will take care of the rest.

    So while I've been mulling over all of that, He hits me with this song. And I love how He just drops songs into my life when I need them. He knows that music is part of the heartbeat of my life, and He uses it to encourage and challenge me.

    

    So just know, my beautiful friend, that you are not alone in your waiting. Whatever that may look like in your life. Take courage, and hold on to your hope, because He is never failing. 

In His Love and Hope,

Christy

Building Boats and Burning Ships: Part 2

    Whelp... I had planned on blogging weekly this year, but we can see how well that has been going for me. To be honest, I have started and restarted this post so many times. But my emotions were bigger than the page, and I didn't have words to express them. And every time I sat down to blog, I sat there empty and swallowed up by my emotions. So, I waited. And clearly, kept on waiting. Every so often I would open up this page and stare at it, trying to figure out what to say, how to say it... 

    ...because, my friend, life is hard. My word for last year and now this year is "Hope", and let me tell you, last year was an emotionally exhausting year. In January, our church was offering a grief class, and I was not prepared for how draining it is to process grief. Because let's be honest, no one really talks about grief, and how exhausting it can be. And I don't know why there was so much grief, because it had been a few years since my divorce. Maybe enough time had gone by that I was at a place that I could properly process it, I'm not sure, but it hit me like a freight train. 

    But I kept going, because, you know, there are bills to pay and I have a child to take care of. Life has to be lived, even in the midst of all sorts of hard things. And I knew that, with Jesus, I would make it through. He had been faithful so far, and would continue to be faithful. He had promised in His Word, and I clung to that. 

    Because I never wanted to be divorced. I really didn't. I had no choice. But that's another story for another time. The point is, we all have hard things that we don't want to go through, that leave us with wounds and grief. And sometimes unhealthy coping skills, too. I'm still working on fixing some of mine. You do the best that you can in the moment that you are in. And then, when the time is right, Jesus is like, hey, you know that thing you are doing, and that wound you have? How about you let Me take that from you and help you heal from it? Because He is good that way. He wants us to live healed lives. 

    So in processing a lot of my grief, I had a choice to make - was I going to let the pain of my divorce define my life, forever tying myself to one horrific event, or was I going to let go of the hurt, and the right to be angry, and walk forward in His redeeming grace?

    

    This song has meant a lot to me over the past few months, as I have pondered what it looks like to  "step in to a new day". Outwardly, not much has changed - I still have my same job, go to the same church, my son goes to the same school. But inwardly, my heart feels different. I am burning the old ships and building my new boat. Because what God has is so much more than I can even begin to imagine. And He wants the same for you, too, my beautiful friend. If you are willing to trust Him in this hard process. Will you join me?

In His Love and Hope,

Christy

Building Boats and Burning Ships: Part 1

    Hello internet friends. This year has been a wild ride so far, and it is only the first week in February.  The amount of stupid, stupid stuff that has happened is simply mind boggling. And not just to me. In talking with friends at church and whatnot, the amount of stuff they're also dealing with is just stupid. 

    I realize it's been awhile since I last blogged (like, a whole year) so I decided to go back and read my last post before diving in again, and this line jumped out at me: "Which is why I am so excited for this new year. The Lord has promised me that this year is the year of Hope." And let me tell you friends, last year was one of the hardest years I've had. 

    But what does that have to do with Hope, you might ask? Well, I was reminded of something the other day - whatever we pray for, we get the opposite of. You want more patience? You get trials to grow your patience? Want more joy? Gotta go through some suffering first to grow the joy. You can't have one without the other, it seems. I wanted more hope - it appears I had to walk through a whole heck of a lot of grief first. Last January, our church was offering a grief class, and I was not prepared for how draining it is to process grief. Because let's be honest, no one really talks about grief, and how exhausting it can be. 

    And I tried to blog about it, but I didn't have the words - the emotions were too big for words. So I cried a lot, prayed a lot. Did my normal life, too, because life goes on. Even when all I wanted to do was crawl into bed and sleep for at least a week. Which, as we all know, isn't exactly practical if you are a parent or have bills to pay.

    But a couple of weeks ago, I was talking with my Bible study ladies, and we were discussing praying for situations, and jokingly the comment was made that one should be careful what you pray for, and how you pray for it, because it never quite turns out how you expect. Like, patience and trials. And I realized (only took me an entire year) that hope and grief are the same way. 

    And then the next day I heard this song. Now, granted, I had heard this song many times before, but sometimes songs hit differently at different times.  

    The beauty of this song is the hope that is promised. I still feel like I'm stuck in the desert, but because I have faith and hope I'm going to build my boat. But Christy, you may be asking, if you are building a boat, then why are you also burning ships? That, my beautiful friend, is another story for a different day. Until then, pray the brave prayers. Ask for patience, for joy, for hope, for the dreams of your heart. Because He longs to give you more than you could possibly imagine. Even when it doesn't look like what you think it should. 

In His Love and Hope,

Christy

Hope for a New Year

    I don't know about the rest of you, but the past few years have been a struggle. Like, I wasn't on the struggle bus, I WAS the struggle bus, as my child likes to say. If  it wasn't one thing, then it was another. Not always necessarily bad things, but hard things nonetheless. And I got so worn out. Both emotionally and physically. There were days that I got through on faith and coffee alone. Because I didn't have anything left inside of me to give. 

    Now, don't misunderstand. There were parts of the year that were wonderful and fun and full of laughter and joy. But when the hard days outweigh the good ones, it is easy to get bogged down by the hard, the struggle. When you've lived in survival mode for a long time, you don't even realize you are doing it. And I have been living in survival mode for far too long now. 

    Which is why I am so excited for this new year. The Lord has promised me that this year is the year of Hope.  And everywhere I turn, I keep hearing or seeing hope mentioned. I'm sure it's always been there, but I've been so focused on surviving that I haven't noticed. It is hard to live with hope in your heart when you are focusing on surviving. It doesn't leave a whole lot of room for hope. I wanted hope. I needed hope. But it felt like it was just outside of my grasp. So I focused on getting through my days, one day at a time. Trusting Jesus that at some point, it would get better. It had to, right? 

    Don't believe, though, that I think my life is going to be all sunshine and rainbows now because I have hope. I am under no delusions about the fact that life is still going to have hard things. But I've been doing some research into the various facets of hope. There are so many layers and complexities to this emotion. For it is an emotion, but it isn't a fleeting one that comes and goes. And it is more than just a simple emotion. It is an extension of faith, because our hope is rooted in our belief of who God is, and who we are to Him. My walk of faith can be, and should be, expectant and hopeful. 

    

    So when I am starting to feel burdened down again, I will raise my hands and sing "Hallelujah", because my hope is in my Maker and Healer. For, as the Psalmist says, "He only is my rock and my salvation; He is my defense; I shall not be moved." (Psalm 62:6 NKJV) And that gives me hope. 

In His Love and Hope,

Christy

Christmas Joy

    Christmas time... I remember as a child being so excited for Christmas, it was such a magical time of the year. And when I was twelve, we moved to a state where it snowed, and I had my first ever white Christmas. I was in love. 

        Over time, though, I grew up... and life got hard... and Christmas didn't seem quite as magical as it once did... Especially the past few years... 

    Then this year, my son spent today with his father. It isn't the first time that my son and I have not spent Christmas day together, but it was harder this year than other years. I was really sad about it leading up to today, and have spent a fair amount of time in prayer about it, trying to wrestle through all the different emotions I was having.

    While I was struggling through the midst of all of this, the Lord gifts me with the word for next year - HOPE. And while I'm still sad, I have started to have this peace settle into my soul.

   

And I have started to think about what exactly is Christmas Joy? And why do people struggle more with sadness and depression at Christmas time? I know I have had my own struggles... life gets hard and the magic seems to disappear, and it is so easy to get caught up in the daily grind that wears at the soul. And the heart yearns to be at peace, and the world seems filled with strife and chaos. I feel like I try, but often my efforts are not the best, and my life looks like my Christmas tree, not finished, not done correctly, but it's there and shining as best it can.

    But then, I look to the manger, where a King stepped down from heaven because of love. Knowing He would die, He chose to be born into the mess. He came to bring us joy and hope. And my soul is overwhelmed with the love that God showed us. Again. Over and over again throughout Scriptures God shows His everlasting, enduring love for His children. Then, in the darkest hour, during the complete silence from Heaven, Jesus was born in a manger. And the angels filled the countryside proclaim the Good News, of Great Joy, for all people. What amazing hope was born that night. And He reminds me I don't have to walk alone. I am never alone. Because Jesus was born to bring ME HOPE.

    And my soul sings back a hallelujah. Because there is no other response that I can give. Even in the midst of all my sorrow and grief, I can still have hope. 

    This song is one of my favorite Christmas songs this year... it has been one of my favorite songs for years. I pray it brings you the same hope and joy it has brought me this year. Because in the midst of your sorrow and mess, Jesus can come and sit with you, and bring you peace and hope. May the God of joy give you Christmas Joy this day.

In His Enduring, Overflowing Love,

Christy

Hope for a Hurting Heart

     I don't know about you, but this year has been a hard year for me. I swear, if it's not one thing, it is another. This year has been full of big things, hard things, good things, unexpected things. And as this year is drawing to a close, I've started thinking about next year - what do I want from this new year, what are some goals, plans, or projects I want to see completed? It's something I've done almost every new year - beginning the new year with a fresh start, if you will. Granted, there isn't much difference between December 31 and January 1, but I like to take the opportunity to take stock, evaluate my life, and pray about what needs to change. 

    One of my favorite parts of a new year is praying about a new "word for the year". If you've never done that before, I encourage you to look into and ask the Lord if He has a word for you. Today I saw someone post about it on social media, and I started praying, "Lord, what word-" and before I could even finish the thought the word was there. 

Hope

    It was like He was waiting with baited breath for me to ask Him. "It shall come to pass that before they call, I will answer; and while they are still speaking, I will hear." (Isaiah 65:24 NKJV) This verse came alive in a very real way in my life today, and brought a whisper of hope across my soul. Hope is such a small word, only four letters, but it has such a deep and broad meaning. Oftentimes, we say it so glibly, "Oh, I hope this happens," or "I really hope today goes well" etc. etc. but there is so much more to it than that. A promise of something better, a feeling of trust.

    There's something about Christmas that brings a new sense of hope. Jesus was born to bring us hope. He was, is, the hoped for Messiah. The angels announced it outside Bethlehem - "Behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy which will be for all people." (Luke 2:10 NKJV) That "all people" includes you and me. We can have hope in this messed up, crazy world we find ourselves living in today. 

    Does this mean that I think I won't be sad anymore? Not hardly. I think I cried twice today. Not hard, not long, but definitely was sad. But I can have hope in the midst of it all. Because I trust in the Giver of Hope. And He is ready and waiting for me to call on Him. Always. And that gives me hope. So, my dear friend, if you are struggling today, may the hope of our Lord Jesus bring peace to your soul. 

In His Love,

Christy

Unwanted Anniversaries

    Two years have passed since my divorce became official. Five years ago today was the day I told my ex he needed to move and figure out what he wanted in life. It seems like both a lifetime has passed, and that only yesterday my life was completely different. It was never a road I wanted to walk down, but rather one I found myself on, for reasons beyond my control. 

    If you had asked me 8 years ago when I got married, what my life would look like in 8 years, I probably would have told you something along the lines of living in a house with my husband, have a couple of kids already, being a stay-at-home mom, things like that. Basically, my dream life. Because that's what happens when you grow up, right? You get married, you have kids, a job, and you live life.  

    But what do you do when the unthinkable happens? When what you thought your future would be, isn't what it turned out to be? What then? How do you pick up and move on when your entire life is shattered into a million pieces around you?

    Honestly, I didn't know then, and I'm not sure I could answer that question now... How did I get through the last few years? Only by the grace of Jesus have I made it this far.    

 But there are times I wonder, will the wounds heal? After all, it has been five years since I made the first step on this journey. Five very long years. And now I have unwanted anniversaries, days I remember when dreams died... I know I'm not the only one who has dates that make them sad. And I bet you think you are the only one who remembers them. You might be the only one who remembers that specific date, but you are not alone. We all have our own journeys, our own hard things that have left wounds on our souls. The only question left now is, what do you do with it? What do you do with the dates that leave you feeling broken inside?    

    When everything had been stripped away, the only thing left was Jesus, and I have held on to Him with a tenacity I didn't know I had inside me. Because I knew, as long as I had Jesus, I could get through anything. But life has sucked and it hasn't been much fun, and I have struggled to find the goodness that I thought I was supposed to have. I couldn't seem to find a sunrise, when my future was shrouded in the mist.

 Take today for example. Today I had to work. All I wanted to do was go home, crawl into bed, cry, and then sleep. But I knew that I couldn't give up. Did I cry in the car? Yes. Did I cry inside work? Almost. But I kept moving forward. Yesterday I took the day to be sad, and today I knew I needed to do the day. 

    If there is one thing I've learned on this journey, it's that there is nothing wrong with taking the time to be sad. Give yourself the grace to feel your emotions. Right now, I'm sad a lot. But I know it won't always be so. Doesn't the Bible promise us that there is a time to mourn AND a time to dance? I'm not dancing yet. But I take comfort in the fact that He is always with me. This song came on my Pandora radio station this past weekend, and it has brought healing to my soul.

    Jesus came to bring us peace, and He didn't mean "world peace". He came to heal our wounds in our hearts, to bring comfort and hope. I am not alone, and neither are you. And that is the truth that I have held on to all these years. 

In His Love,

Christy

When life doesn't look like the Faithfulness of God

    Sometimes, life is a struggle. Sometimes, a day feels like an entire week; sometimes a week feels like a whole month. And sometimes, the light at the end of the tunnel seems like it is moving farther and farther away. This past week has felt like that. And I realized today that there are times I have doubted the goodness of God.

    Don't misunderstand me. I do not doubt that God is good. It is part of His character, the makeup of Who God is. But I doubted that, in the midst of all of the hard and life's struggles, that there was goodness in my life. I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that God was providing for me and taking care of me, but it didn't always feel good. I did not doubt His faithfulness, but I doubted His goodness. There were good days, and good moments, but it is easy to be overwhelmed by all of the everything, for lack of a better way to describe it.

    

So then I started to wonder... do I maybe have a wrong understanding of what the goodness of God is? Have I allowed society's interpretation of what is good, or what should be good, to filter how I perceive the good that God has done in my life? Being the word nerd that I am, I went digging. What exactly is the difference between goodness and faithfulness? Is there even a difference?

    I started with a verse my pastor used in his Sunday sermon this past week: Deuteronomy 2:7

    "For the Lord your God has blessed you in all the work of your hand. He knows your trudging through this great wilderness. These forty years the Lord your God has been with you; you have lacked nothing."

    I then did some diving and compiled a comprehensive definition of both goodness and faithfulness. 

    Goodness: Quality of being morally good/virtuous. Quality or state of being kind, honest, generous, helpful, etc. Synonyms include: holy, pure, righteousness.

    Faithfulness: Remaining loyal and steadfast - unfailing; firm in adherence to promises or in observance of duty. 

    This verse is a beautiful picture of both God's faithfulness and His goodness. God's faithfulness: God had been with them. God's goodness: They lacked nothing. The Israelites had wandered in the desert, in the wilderness, the barrenness, and He had been with them and provided for them. I often feel like I'm still walking through my wilderness, my barrenness. Like the Israelites, I too can question and complain. I mourn all that was lost... all that could have been... 

    

    We played this song during the worship set at church last week. This is not the first time I have heard this song, but for whatever reason, it hit different this time. The proclaiming of the faithfulness and goodness of God was a balm to my soul. It has stayed with me, coming to my mind when I needed to remember that I live IN the goodness of God. And I can trust Him. So if you are struggling, dear friend, know you are not alone. There is grace for the struggle, in the journey.

In His Love,

Christy

When You Live with Grief...

This week.... this week has been a hard week...

    Not only have I been sick (ear infections are NOT FUN!) and work has been SUPER stressful (if you know someone in retail, bring them coffee/tea and a hug), but it has also been five years since my whole world came crashing down around me. 

    The week of Thanksgiving, 2016, I learned that my then-spouse of three years had been lying to me for two and a half years, ever since I had had my miscarriage. I was, at the time, in school full time with a one year old son. And the one thing I thought would never happen was happening. 

    Even now, I'm not entirely sure how I got through the first week. One foot in front of the other, basically. My brain shut down, and I couldn't even think my way out of a paper bag. But I remember having to go to the in-laws for Thanksgiving, because that had been the plan. I remember feeling trapped, stuck in a situation I didn't know how to get out of. Trying to be cheerful and smile through it all. It was horrible. We separated a week later. But that is another story for another time.

    This year, Ryan spent Thanksgiving with his dad. And I curled into a ball on my bed and cried. This isn't the first time we have spent Thanksgiving apart, but it is the first time I've had the space to feel it. To grieve all that has been lost. Did I have a lovely day? Also yes. Some of my sisters and their families came over, we ate good food, and watched "Hoodwinked" and "The Great British Baking Show".

    But, at the same time, the grief was still there. I don't know why this year was harder than other years. Maybe because this year has been a year with a lot of emotions; maybe because this was the first time I've had time to actually process what I'm feeling inside instead of shoving it down and moving on, dealing with the next problem. Or ignoring it and hoping it goes away. News flash: it doesn't. The grief and pain just sit there and leak out sideways. Or come back when you least expect it. 

    Do I believe that I did what God wanted me to do? Absolutely. Would I do anything different? No. I don't believe there was anything I could have done that would have resulted in a different outcome. Still doesn't make the grief any less real. And some days I'm completely fine, and then there are the days where I hide in the bathroom at work because I can't keep a polite smile on my face any longer. Am I dreading the holidays this year? A little. It doesn't get easier, it is simply learning how to live in the new normal. I am grateful I do not walk this journey alone. 

    If you are walking through grief, of whatever kind, for whatever reason, I will be praying for you.

In His Love,

Christy

Truth be Told...

    Life has been hard lately... and just when I think I've finally got a handle on my emotions, something else happens to wreak havoc in my life and I once again feel like my emotions could swallow me up...

    A few weeks ago, I was going through old documents on my google drive, trying to clean them up, because why not? It wasn't like I had a million other things to do. But some of them weren't titled, and it was bothering me. 

    Anyway, one of the files I opened up was dated from October of last year, and contained some of my rambling thoughts that I wrote down. In a way, it felt like a letter to myself, reminding me of the truth I needed to hear. Because I don't know about you, but I tend to circle the same mountain, dealing with some of the same emotions and struggles. So I thought I would share them with you:

Worthless: as defined by Webster Dictionary - lacking worth, valueless. Useless.

Replaceable: capable of being replaced, expendable. 

Together, these two words have settled into my soul, and held me back. These two words have defined how I have filtered the world, regardless of if I knew it or not. I have felt left out, alone, undesirable. Forgotten. Unnoticed. Unimportant. I have kept myself so busy so as to not have to slow down and feel all of the emotions that are in my heart. I have kept my brain too busy, shoved everything down and pasted a smile on my face. "Fake it till you make it," right? Everything is fine. But I’m not fine. I’m struggling with feeling Forgotten, Inconsequential, Nonessential, Expendable. 

My heart hurts. How do I keep moving through? Every time I feel like things are starting to get better, more emotions rise to the surface, causing more pain and ache. Does this heartache have an end? Will it be like this forever? How long until the door opens? Am I beating against the wrong door? Am I never to be healed? Is this something I am just going to have to live with for the rest of my life? I just want to curl up into a ball and cry my eyes out.

But I don’t have time to wallow. You don’t want me to wallow. That doesn’t bring healing. The only way to have true healing is to look at the lies and compare them against the truth, and identify what is truth and what is a lie. What do You say about me? Who am I to You? I thought I had gotten past all of this. Why is this coming up again? Will I always struggle with feeling this way?

    Last week, a friend asked me how I was doing, and I didn't know how to answer the question - I don't know how I'm doing. I am not fine. I am far from fine. But I am not alone. And I am working on filtering out the lies from the truth.

    My son's favorite song right now is "Truth Be Told" by Matthew West. And I am eternally grateful for the truth in this song. So often I get bogged down by trying to do it all, be it all, take care of it all, and I don't take the time to stop and listen to Him.

    So, my dear friend, if you are not fine, I invite you to be honest. I will not judge you. I promise to have a hug, and maybe chocolate. Only when we walk in honesty and truth will healing be able to do its beautiful work. 

In His Love,

Christy

My Dear Friend

 My Dear Friend,

    I am sorry I wasn't more excited about your announcement. I am happy for you. I am so excited that you are living your best life. Truly. But please, hear my heart... 

      I am still grieving... 

            Grieving what divorce has stolen from me, from my future, from my son. Grieving what was and what could have been. Outwardly, it might look like I am doing just fine. And, for the most part, I am. I am content with my life. Most days I am just fine. 

Squish-Man

And then there are the other days...

    The days when my son asks if he can have a sister...

        The days when I get an invitation to another baby shower, another Save the Date announcement...

Or the days when I am simply sad...

    When getting out of bed and facing ANOTHER day is hard... 

            Another evening when I curl up in an empty bed and wonder if I will cry myself to sleep again...

 And I turn to Jesus and cry on His shoulder... and when I am done, I wipe my eyes and move on with my day, because staying in bed is not an option. Wallowing is not healing. The grief is real, and at times so strong it almost hurts physically. But with Jesus, I am stronger than the grief. 

So, PLEASE, my dear friend, tell me all your wonderful news... I want to know. I want to celebrate with you. These are not either/or emotions. I am both happy for you and grieving at the same time. 

    And when life is hard, please tell me that too. My hard doesn't not negate your hard. No one's life is perfect. I will offer a hug and a shoulder to cry on. Life is messy and hard, and we are in it together.

Sunrise Through the Mist

            One day, it won't be so hard. The grief won't be so big. The wound won't be so fresh. I live with the hope of those days. 

    But until then, my beloved friend, please keep talking to me. I don't know what I would do if you stopped sharing with me because you were afraid of hurting me. Not talking to me would hurt me more. 

    Together we can find a way through the hard...

        That is the promise I hold on to. It is a promise I make to you as well. To understand when life is hard and you are struggling to just get through the day. 

    This is a new song to me... I only heard it last week, and I have been listening to it a lot. This last weekend was hard and I was sad. I needed to hear truth. 

"Run" by Addison Road

    

    So, my dear friend, please extend grace for my journey. I love you and I need you. 

In His Love,

Christy

"Alive and Breathing"

 Hello Friends...

    Where to start? This is actually a question that I wrestle with on a regular basis - how does one start to explain everything that has happened? When one is in the middle of the mess, it is hard to see both the beginning and the ending.

    And the last seven years have been a mess. They've been full of the hard, the struggle, the long road with no end in sight. Filled with a weariness that has seeped into the very marrow of my bones and felt like it would never leave. And I am sure I am not the only one who has felt this way.

    I do not say this to invoke pity or to make you feel sorry for me. I say it because it is the truth. However, it is not the only truth from the last seven years. For I have not walked this hard, long road alone. I know, deep in my soul, that I would not have survived if it wasn't for Jesus. And as I try and figure out what my new normal looks like, I am thankful that I don't have to have the answers, I don't have to know everything. I simply sit at His feet and ask Him what He would have me do. It might be simple, but it is not easy.

    At some point, I am sure, I will share more about everything that has happened in the last seven years. But I won't overwhelm you with everything in one blog post. 😊 

    But in the meantime, I thought I'd share a song that has really spoken to me in the last few months. I don't know about you, but for me, music has always been a way that truth speaks to my heart. There is something about putting words and music together that gives them an ability to be heard in a different way. There have been a few that I have treasured and listened to on repeat over the years. Some have been more quiet, meditative, reflective songs, while others are ones that you blast while you drive with your windows rolled down. This song is one of the latter, and with the lovely fall weather we are currently having, it has been idyllic.

   Alive and Breathing

    If you ask me how I'm doing, I'll probably say, "Alive and Breathing," and this will be what I am thinking of. I hope this song encourages you as much as it encourages me. That you take a moment to stop and breathe. To feel the sunshine on your face, or rain, depending on your weather. May the goodness of God fill your heart and remind you that you are deeply, passionately loved by the One who made you and knows you intimately.

In His Love,

Christy

Trust

   So today, my homework encouraged me, and I thought I would share it with you. I tried putting it into a Facebook status, but there was just too much to share. So y'all get a blog post instead. :)

   Today did not start out the way I wanted it to. I stayed up too late, and then couldn't fall asleep. So I was tired this morning and didn't get up as early as I wanted to. Then, as I'm trying to rush out the door, I can't find my lunch in the fridge. I probably spent at least five minutes looking through the whole fridge, because I knew that I had packed one. So where could it have gone? Turns out my husband didn't know it was mine and took it for his lunch. Well, at this point, I was supposed to be driving away, so I grabbed a hard-boiled egg, a pack of graham crackers and the almost-empty jar of peanut butter, and a bottle of milk and dash out the door. Traffic wasn't too bad, but my GPS keeps on trying to take me random ways to school, and it was driving me crazy. But I make it to school on time, and get to class. I'm early, but I like it that way. I'd rather be there early than leave later and get stuck in traffic and be late - that happened once. 15 minutes before class is supposed to start, one of my fellow classmates checks her email, and discovered that the professor had just cancelled class to a family emergency. I started laughing hysterically. Of course it was! Because that is the way the past couple days have been - if it could go wrong, it somehow did. Doesn't help that I'm hormonal and suffering from sleep deprivation. :)

    Anyway, I thought I'd take advantage of the extra time to write one of the three papers that are due on Thursday. "Journal Entry #5: Truth and Money". Boring, right? Ugh... But once I started writing, it took off in a direction I wasn't expecting, and I ended up being encouraged myself with these verses from Matthew 6:25-26 "Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?" And I realized that I've been stressing about things that I don't need to stress about. I mean, yes, I should be concerned about some things, and I need to be responsible, but stressing about them doesn't help anyone. After all, if I'm where God wants me to be, then He'll provide for my needs. They might not be what I think I need, but He knows best what I need and what I don't need. So I'm working on leaving my desires at His feet. I like to set them down and pick them back up again, but that isn't really trusting Him.

  So, I'm sitting myself down at His feet and I'm going to work at just being. Listening, trusting. Because life is more than all the little stuff that gets at you. It's bigger, grander, and beautiful. Anyway, I hope you all have a wonderful rest of your week, and pray for me, if you think of me. 

   In His Love,

       Christy

Music Mix-Up Monday #37

Hey all! Life has been so busy, but I'm trying to make time to keep up with this blog. :) This song has been running through my head the past few days, so I thought I'd share my insanity with you all! :) Today has been a busy but productive day. How about the rest of y'all? (I had coffee today, and I'm feeling like I'm flying! :D Thanks, Mom!)




My sisters have been singing this song a lot this past week. Loving like I'm not scared and taking time for others are things that I have been thinking a lot about lately. But the more that I look to God, the more He gives me the courage to live my daily life. I hope this song picks you up and encourages you! I'm off to finish my homework! Have a great Monday, and keep your eyes fixed on the One who makes life worth living!!

In His Love,
Christy

Living Life to the Fullest

   "Life is short. Make the most of it." How many times have I heard that before? It seems to be a mantra for today's society. Some even paraphrase it and put it on coffee cups. "Life is short. Stay awake for it" Caribou says. I wonder though, how many people use it as an excuse to do stupid things or to be selfish. After all, if life is short, and you have to make the most of it, why wouldn't you focus most on yourself? But after the events of these past two weeks, I've been thinking about what "make the most of it" really means.

Aaron Lillemo

   My friend Aaron died suddenly in a motorcycle accident two weeks ago. At his funeral, people told stories about how he had touched their lives by the amount of time he'd spent with them, talking to them, challenging them. How he'd drop everything to help them. If an outsider had looked at his life, one might have judged him as someone who didn't do much. Or a "not nice person to associate with." He was retired military, a tattooed biker, and a truck driver. He was a smart aleck, often didn't have a filter when he was talking, and smoked. I know some people who wouldn't have wanted to be friends with him because of how he looked, and some of the things that he did, or some of the things he didn't do. That would have been their loss. The Aaron I knew was stubborn, hard on himself, and passionate. And he loved Jesus. One of my favorite memories was of him the day that he died. I was on the worship band, and so was blessed to see everyone else worshiping, and he had his head thrown back and his arms raised. It was a beautiful sight. And he carried his passion into everything he did. He was a do or die kind of guy. He was everywhere, all the time, with everyone. I don't think he really slept.

   Which makes me wonder, what does it mean, "make the most of life"? Aaron didn't know he was going to die when he got on his bike that day. None of us knew that that would be the last time we would see him. Do I live every moment as if it could be my last? Or am I apathetic about taking care of my half-started projects, investing in my friends, my family? Do they know that I love them? How do my actions say that? If I died tomorrow, would people be able to say that I loved them the way that Jesus loves them, or do I live for myself? Would a friend be comfortable to call me and say, I need help, can you help me? Would I be there for them? I don't know.

   Now, I don't want people to read this, and respond with, "Oh, Christy, of course they would." I don't want platitudes or empty reassurances. That isn't what this is about. It isn't about seeking a pat on the back. I'm looking at my life and asking God, "Where can I improve? What can I do that shows people I care about them?" Because in the end, it isn't really about what kind of job you had, whether you have tattoos or not, or smoke or not. Did you live your life for Christ? Did you love God, and love people? Not just as a platitude or sentiment, but really live that out in your daily life? Because if I'm not, then it doesn't matter if I live for another day, another year, or another eighty years. I will have wasted the few precious hours I have been given. Jesus calls us to be faithful with little, so we can be faithful with much. Am I faithful in the little things that make up a relationship, whether it's a family member or friend. Not as much as I could be. I don't always take the time to say I love you, or that I appreciate you. I think it, often. But that doesn't count.

   So, if you are a friend of mine, know that I love you. And I'm working on showing it better. Because I don't want to die and leave you wondering. "Live life to the fullest. Seize the day" isn't always about parachuting out of the airplane, or taking the trip around the world, or being the best at everything. It's about love. True, laying down your life for the other person, love. Jesus did a lot while He was on this earth, but thing He did the most, the thing that guided His every move, was love. And I want to be just like Him. And, slowly, I'm learning what that looks like.


In His Love,
Christy

Breaking the Silence

Well, I'll be honest and say that this post was not the post that I thought I was going to get to write a couple of months ago. But once again, God has got a different plan in mind for me than I did for myself. I suppose I should be used to this fact by now, but every time I think I've got something figured out, I realize I don't. :)

   This Mother's Day, Josh and I announced that we were expecting a baby. On Mother's Day. I was so happy. My birthday was just a few days away, and it seemed so fitting. The next day, I started spotting. What followed was a nearly four week long journey of hoping, of praying, that everything would turn out okay, and the baby would make it. But she didn't...

 You see, I've started this post a couple of times now, and each time I've started it, I've had to walk away. A part of me just isn't ready to talk about it on my blog yet... One day I will be, but right now, all I want to do is cry. It hurts. I don't know for sure if it was a girl or a boy, but we named her Lily Rose anyway.  I have a lot I want to say about those four weeks, but it's hard, and my thoughts feel like fragments. Wisps of thoughts that hover on the edge, without form or substance. One day I'll get them all down but I'm okay with the fact that today isn't today... 

  I don't have any words of wisdom or anything to say. In fact, I'm not quite sure how to end this blog post. Life continues on. We finally got all the books put away (we had all the carpet in the house replaced) and was that ever a project! Now I just have to update the list (ha!). Josh started a new job at the beginning of July and is enjoying it. I'm enjoying getting to see him again. :) I've been sick for the past two & half weeks - started out with a staff infection in my throat. I went in and saw the doctor again today because this stupid fever isn't going away. We aren't entirely sure what it is - we do know that it isn't strep. But they are running some tests and I should hopefully know something in the next few days. My family is going on a mini vacation next week. Oh, and I got into St. Catherine! I'm super excited about it!!! I'll be studying ASL to become an interpreter. They have one of the best programs in the nation, and it's right here in the twin cities. And because I'm a transfer student, I received a scholarship. That totally blew me away. 

Life goes on... bitter and sweet all mixed together. There's a quote that I like. "The way I see it, life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don't always soften the bad things, but vice versa, the bad things don't necessarily spoil the good things or make them unimportant." I'm working on appreciating the good in the midst of the hard, and looking for the good in the hard. 

"Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written, the days fashioned for me, when as yet there were none of them. How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How great is the sum of them! If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand; when I awake, I am still with You." Psalm 139: 16-18

In His Love,

Christy

Music Mix-Up Mondays #35

Happy Monday everyone! I hope you are all having a wonderful start to your week. In my devotions, I've been focusing a lot on how life isn't really about me, but about God. And what that looks like lived out. I mean, I've known that for most of my life, but what does it look like in reality? How am I letting that fact change my life? One of the things I've been working on is looking for the positive, and being thankful for what I have, instead of ungrateful for what I don't. I know that sounds really elementary, but sometimes it's good to go back to the roots and work on making the foundation stronger. So, with that in mind, and with Easter just around the corner, I thought I'd do "Praise the King," sung by Cindy Morgan.

Without Him, life isn't worth living. And I know how easy it is to get caught up in the hum of busy life. Been there, done that. But it's good to stop and just say, Thank You. And remember all that He does for us.

In His Love,
Christy

Thoughts

Standing in the Rain.

Hey guys... So it's been a couple of weeks since I posted anything. I got the flu, twice, in the space of a week. :/ NOT FUN! But it's finally all gone, and I'm feeling like I'm catching up on life again, so here I am. These past few weeks have been really hard. For the past two and a half years, I've worked at the daycare that is at our church. I have loved my job and the kids. Well, a couple of weeks ago, I ended up losing my job. It was very sudden and unexpected. My heart has been hurting since then. I know God has a plan in all of this, and a part of me is excited to see what happens, but on the other hand, it just doesn't make sense and that makes it difficult.
   See, I've battled feelings of inferiority for most of my teenage/adult life. Feeling like I'm not as important or worth as much others. I've known, to some extent, that that isn't the truth, but it hasn't changed how I felt. I've felt like I couldn't measure up to someone's idea of who or what I should be. I've been replaced, I'm not needed. I'm not valuable. These are all lies that I have believed for most of my life. And they have tried to wreak havoc in my life. I have striven for perfection in the hopes of proving the lies wrong. But they sat in the shadows, waiting for me to mess up and prove that they were right. They hounded my heels, causing me to question what I was doing and why. The other lie that has dodged my every step was one that didn't really sound like a lie. More like I thought that it was the way it was supposed to be. It masqueraded as humility, but really, it wanted to own me. The lie? I call it Just. I'm only a "just". I downplayed all that I am. My hair and eyes are just brown, I'm only so tall, I'm only an aide, I can only read notes, I can't hear music, etc. You name it, I downplayed it and discounted it. I've looked at others and thought about how much better they were than me. It sat there and whispered and fed the other lies. Just. Such a small word, yet when allowed, it toyed with my life and caused chaos and commotion. It's a lie that because "I'm only a 'just,' I don't matter as much. Others have more to say. Someone else can do it better."
   And not only was this a lie that caused me to doubt myself and God, but I used this lie as a shield to keep myself safe. That way, others couldn't discount me. If I didn't reach out and try for things, no one could say that I failed. Or that I didn't measure up. Or I wasn't good enough. Or whatever. It didn't really matter, I just didn't want to be belittled or made fun of. To be made like I didn't matter.
   But it doesn't matter what other people say about me. Because all of those lies are just that. Lies. They aren't what God says about me. He says that He CHOSE me. He called me by name. I don't need to prove anything to anyone because I am His. I am His beloved. And nothing is wasted. Everything works together for my good. And He knows the plans that He has for me, I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
   These are all thoughts that have been mulling around in my brain for the past few months... And then I lost my job. And you know what? Those lies didn't rear their ugly heads. God has been working on my heart, and I know that it is all going to be okay. Am I sad? You bet! But this I know for sure: God is in control. He is my Beloved, and I am His. He is hiding me in the shadow of His wings, and the storm can't get to me. I just have to chose to trust Him. I'll be honest, though, some days are easier than others. I grieve for all that was lost. But I don't wallow in the lies that I am a failure. Did I mess up? Yes, I didn't do it all perfectly. But that doesn't make me a failure. It just means that I am human. And in my humanness, mistakes were made. I'm working on my flaws, and striving to live as Christ has called me. I'm not perfect, but He is perfect in me. And one day, I'll be mature. Mostly. :) There's a part of me that will always remain childlike, but I like that part of me. :)
   I apologize for the length, but hopefully this has encouraged you as much as it has encouraged me. For in putting all these thoughts into words, He has reminded me that I'm not alone, and He is good. And nothing happens that isn't going to be good for me.

In His Love,
   Christy

My Year in Review

So, since I haven't posted in a year, I thought I'd do a quick Year-In-Review, just to catch all y'all up to speed about what's been happening in my life. My last post from last year was in April, with a photo-shoot that my sister did. That following weekend, I got ENGAGED! And my life since then has been a rapid ride, full of many changes, some pleasant, and some not so pleasant.

I'll be honest and say that I thought that I'd never get married. I'd been down that road once already, and it hadn't worked out, and I'd reached a point in my life where I figured I'd missed it, you know? And I really was okay with that. I figured I'd get a cute little house, a couple of cats, and be happy with my writing and my knitting. A good, old-fashioned, old maid, so to speak. And I enjoyed that idea. So when Josh walked into my life, it was a huge upset. Not a bad one, mind you, but a big one. And it did cause a lot of old hurts that I'd thought I'd gotten over to come back up again, in a different way. But by the time Josh proposed, I was head over heals in love, and knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that this was God's plan for the both of us.

So, I got engaged in April, and we started wedding planning right away. WOW! I've never been very good at making a lot of decisions when I have a ton of options, and planning a wedding is nothing but full of decisions with a bazillion options. Who knew that people cared what was on the tables, and that it really did matter if the plates were white or not, or if the silverware was clear plastic or white plastic. Really? All that matters? Why? But anyway, I digress. I went dress shopping and found the perfect dress (is there any other?) and things started to fall into place after that. I think it was harder trying to find a bridesmaid's dress than it was to find my dress! No wonder my hair is turning grey. :) It was so amazing how so many people pitched in to help. I had one friend who catered the food, and it was AMAZING! Another friend helped me with the flowers and putting the bouquets and organizing the decorating. If it wasn't for her, I'm not sure how the wedding would have turned out!  And I couldn't have done it without my maid of honor. She was there through it all for me. We made colored sand and melted crayons to make crayon hearts. It was so much fun. Stressful at times, but fun. Crazy, wild, but fun.

And then, almost before I could blink, the wedding date arrived. So many things happened that day, it was CRAZY! But God was good, and everything worked out, and the day just flew by. I got married in September, and it was beyond anything I could imagine. I'll upload some pictures in another blog post, but I don't have access to any right now.

Since then, I've just been working a lot, and adjusting to being married. It's really different, not going to lie, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. I've dealt with a lot of junk from my past these past few months, and Josh has been incredible supportive. God has been washing and cleansing my heart, and I'm learning to walk on the waves while keeping my eyes fixed on Him. But more on that to come later. :) I've just got to say, it's good to be back. I have missed writing and blogging. Hope you all have a wonderful evening!

In His Love,
Christy