My Dear Friend

 My Dear Friend,

    I am sorry I wasn't more excited about your announcement. I am happy for you. I am so excited that you are living your best life. Truly. But please, hear my heart... 

      I am still grieving... 

            Grieving what divorce has stolen from me, from my future, from my son. Grieving what was and what could have been. Outwardly, it might look like I am doing just fine. And, for the most part, I am. I am content with my life. Most days I am just fine. 

Squish-Man

And then there are the other days...

    The days when my son asks if he can have a sister...

        The days when I get an invitation to another baby shower, another Save the Date announcement...

Or the days when I am simply sad...

    When getting out of bed and facing ANOTHER day is hard... 

            Another evening when I curl up in an empty bed and wonder if I will cry myself to sleep again...

 And I turn to Jesus and cry on His shoulder... and when I am done, I wipe my eyes and move on with my day, because staying in bed is not an option. Wallowing is not healing. The grief is real, and at times so strong it almost hurts physically. But with Jesus, I am stronger than the grief. 

So, PLEASE, my dear friend, tell me all your wonderful news... I want to know. I want to celebrate with you. These are not either/or emotions. I am both happy for you and grieving at the same time. 

    And when life is hard, please tell me that too. My hard doesn't not negate your hard. No one's life is perfect. I will offer a hug and a shoulder to cry on. Life is messy and hard, and we are in it together.

Sunrise Through the Mist

            One day, it won't be so hard. The grief won't be so big. The wound won't be so fresh. I live with the hope of those days. 

    But until then, my beloved friend, please keep talking to me. I don't know what I would do if you stopped sharing with me because you were afraid of hurting me. Not talking to me would hurt me more. 

    Together we can find a way through the hard...

        That is the promise I hold on to. It is a promise I make to you as well. To understand when life is hard and you are struggling to just get through the day. 

    This is a new song to me... I only heard it last week, and I have been listening to it a lot. This last weekend was hard and I was sad. I needed to hear truth. 

"Run" by Addison Road

    

    So, my dear friend, please extend grace for my journey. I love you and I need you. 

In His Love,

Christy

"Alive and Breathing"

 Hello Friends...

    Where to start? This is actually a question that I wrestle with on a regular basis - how does one start to explain everything that has happened? When one is in the middle of the mess, it is hard to see both the beginning and the ending.

    And the last seven years have been a mess. They've been full of the hard, the struggle, the long road with no end in sight. Filled with a weariness that has seeped into the very marrow of my bones and felt like it would never leave. And I am sure I am not the only one who has felt this way.

    I do not say this to invoke pity or to make you feel sorry for me. I say it because it is the truth. However, it is not the only truth from the last seven years. For I have not walked this hard, long road alone. I know, deep in my soul, that I would not have survived if it wasn't for Jesus. And as I try and figure out what my new normal looks like, I am thankful that I don't have to have the answers, I don't have to know everything. I simply sit at His feet and ask Him what He would have me do. It might be simple, but it is not easy.

    At some point, I am sure, I will share more about everything that has happened in the last seven years. But I won't overwhelm you with everything in one blog post. 😊 

    But in the meantime, I thought I'd share a song that has really spoken to me in the last few months. I don't know about you, but for me, music has always been a way that truth speaks to my heart. There is something about putting words and music together that gives them an ability to be heard in a different way. There have been a few that I have treasured and listened to on repeat over the years. Some have been more quiet, meditative, reflective songs, while others are ones that you blast while you drive with your windows rolled down. This song is one of the latter, and with the lovely fall weather we are currently having, it has been idyllic.

   Alive and Breathing

    If you ask me how I'm doing, I'll probably say, "Alive and Breathing," and this will be what I am thinking of. I hope this song encourages you as much as it encourages me. That you take a moment to stop and breathe. To feel the sunshine on your face, or rain, depending on your weather. May the goodness of God fill your heart and remind you that you are deeply, passionately loved by the One who made you and knows you intimately.

In His Love,

Christy

Trust

   So today, my homework encouraged me, and I thought I would share it with you. I tried putting it into a Facebook status, but there was just too much to share. So y'all get a blog post instead. :)

   Today did not start out the way I wanted it to. I stayed up too late, and then couldn't fall asleep. So I was tired this morning and didn't get up as early as I wanted to. Then, as I'm trying to rush out the door, I can't find my lunch in the fridge. I probably spent at least five minutes looking through the whole fridge, because I knew that I had packed one. So where could it have gone? Turns out my husband didn't know it was mine and took it for his lunch. Well, at this point, I was supposed to be driving away, so I grabbed a hard-boiled egg, a pack of graham crackers and the almost-empty jar of peanut butter, and a bottle of milk and dash out the door. Traffic wasn't too bad, but my GPS keeps on trying to take me random ways to school, and it was driving me crazy. But I make it to school on time, and get to class. I'm early, but I like it that way. I'd rather be there early than leave later and get stuck in traffic and be late - that happened once. 15 minutes before class is supposed to start, one of my fellow classmates checks her email, and discovered that the professor had just cancelled class to a family emergency. I started laughing hysterically. Of course it was! Because that is the way the past couple days have been - if it could go wrong, it somehow did. Doesn't help that I'm hormonal and suffering from sleep deprivation. :)

    Anyway, I thought I'd take advantage of the extra time to write one of the three papers that are due on Thursday. "Journal Entry #5: Truth and Money". Boring, right? Ugh... But once I started writing, it took off in a direction I wasn't expecting, and I ended up being encouraged myself with these verses from Matthew 6:25-26 "Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?" And I realized that I've been stressing about things that I don't need to stress about. I mean, yes, I should be concerned about some things, and I need to be responsible, but stressing about them doesn't help anyone. After all, if I'm where God wants me to be, then He'll provide for my needs. They might not be what I think I need, but He knows best what I need and what I don't need. So I'm working on leaving my desires at His feet. I like to set them down and pick them back up again, but that isn't really trusting Him.

  So, I'm sitting myself down at His feet and I'm going to work at just being. Listening, trusting. Because life is more than all the little stuff that gets at you. It's bigger, grander, and beautiful. Anyway, I hope you all have a wonderful rest of your week, and pray for me, if you think of me. 

   In His Love,

       Christy

Music Mix-Up Monday #38

Geoff, Tony, me, Layne, Eli, and Earl

Well, last Friday I went to a show at school. One of the perks of being a student at St. Kate's is that I don't have to pay for my ticket. And I'm so glad I went to see VoicePlay. They are AMAZING!!! The video I'm about to show you isn't from Friday night, but they did do this skit on Friday night. I've watched the video at least three times since Friday night. And it still makes me laugh. The talent that these five guys possess is just amazing. I know, I said that already, but this video is hysterical. I feel like the more times I see it, the funnier it gets. So if it doesn't seem all that funny the first time, try again. It might rub off on you. If it still doesn't seem funny, then you need a therapist. Oh, and watch it full screen. Their faces are just hilarious!



So, I hope your Monday is a little brighter. :) I know mine is. (as I watch it again.) Well, I'm off to go finish homework for school tomorrow. Have a wonderful start to your week!

In His Love,
Christy

Music Mix-Up Monday #37

Hey all! Life has been so busy, but I'm trying to make time to keep up with this blog. :) This song has been running through my head the past few days, so I thought I'd share my insanity with you all! :) Today has been a busy but productive day. How about the rest of y'all? (I had coffee today, and I'm feeling like I'm flying! :D Thanks, Mom!)




My sisters have been singing this song a lot this past week. Loving like I'm not scared and taking time for others are things that I have been thinking a lot about lately. But the more that I look to God, the more He gives me the courage to live my daily life. I hope this song picks you up and encourages you! I'm off to finish my homework! Have a great Monday, and keep your eyes fixed on the One who makes life worth living!!

In His Love,
Christy

Living Life to the Fullest

   "Life is short. Make the most of it." How many times have I heard that before? It seems to be a mantra for today's society. Some even paraphrase it and put it on coffee cups. "Life is short. Stay awake for it" Caribou says. I wonder though, how many people use it as an excuse to do stupid things or to be selfish. After all, if life is short, and you have to make the most of it, why wouldn't you focus most on yourself? But after the events of these past two weeks, I've been thinking about what "make the most of it" really means.

Aaron Lillemo

   My friend Aaron died suddenly in a motorcycle accident two weeks ago. At his funeral, people told stories about how he had touched their lives by the amount of time he'd spent with them, talking to them, challenging them. How he'd drop everything to help them. If an outsider had looked at his life, one might have judged him as someone who didn't do much. Or a "not nice person to associate with." He was retired military, a tattooed biker, and a truck driver. He was a smart aleck, often didn't have a filter when he was talking, and smoked. I know some people who wouldn't have wanted to be friends with him because of how he looked, and some of the things that he did, or some of the things he didn't do. That would have been their loss. The Aaron I knew was stubborn, hard on himself, and passionate. And he loved Jesus. One of my favorite memories was of him the day that he died. I was on the worship band, and so was blessed to see everyone else worshiping, and he had his head thrown back and his arms raised. It was a beautiful sight. And he carried his passion into everything he did. He was a do or die kind of guy. He was everywhere, all the time, with everyone. I don't think he really slept.

   Which makes me wonder, what does it mean, "make the most of life"? Aaron didn't know he was going to die when he got on his bike that day. None of us knew that that would be the last time we would see him. Do I live every moment as if it could be my last? Or am I apathetic about taking care of my half-started projects, investing in my friends, my family? Do they know that I love them? How do my actions say that? If I died tomorrow, would people be able to say that I loved them the way that Jesus loves them, or do I live for myself? Would a friend be comfortable to call me and say, I need help, can you help me? Would I be there for them? I don't know.

   Now, I don't want people to read this, and respond with, "Oh, Christy, of course they would." I don't want platitudes or empty reassurances. That isn't what this is about. It isn't about seeking a pat on the back. I'm looking at my life and asking God, "Where can I improve? What can I do that shows people I care about them?" Because in the end, it isn't really about what kind of job you had, whether you have tattoos or not, or smoke or not. Did you live your life for Christ? Did you love God, and love people? Not just as a platitude or sentiment, but really live that out in your daily life? Because if I'm not, then it doesn't matter if I live for another day, another year, or another eighty years. I will have wasted the few precious hours I have been given. Jesus calls us to be faithful with little, so we can be faithful with much. Am I faithful in the little things that make up a relationship, whether it's a family member or friend. Not as much as I could be. I don't always take the time to say I love you, or that I appreciate you. I think it, often. But that doesn't count.

   So, if you are a friend of mine, know that I love you. And I'm working on showing it better. Because I don't want to die and leave you wondering. "Live life to the fullest. Seize the day" isn't always about parachuting out of the airplane, or taking the trip around the world, or being the best at everything. It's about love. True, laying down your life for the other person, love. Jesus did a lot while He was on this earth, but thing He did the most, the thing that guided His every move, was love. And I want to be just like Him. And, slowly, I'm learning what that looks like.


In His Love,
Christy

Breaking the Silence

Well, I'll be honest and say that this post was not the post that I thought I was going to get to write a couple of months ago. But once again, God has got a different plan in mind for me than I did for myself. I suppose I should be used to this fact by now, but every time I think I've got something figured out, I realize I don't. :)

   This Mother's Day, Josh and I announced that we were expecting a baby. On Mother's Day. I was so happy. My birthday was just a few days away, and it seemed so fitting. The next day, I started spotting. What followed was a nearly four week long journey of hoping, of praying, that everything would turn out okay, and the baby would make it. But she didn't...

 You see, I've started this post a couple of times now, and each time I've started it, I've had to walk away. A part of me just isn't ready to talk about it on my blog yet... One day I will be, but right now, all I want to do is cry. It hurts. I don't know for sure if it was a girl or a boy, but we named her Lily Rose anyway.  I have a lot I want to say about those four weeks, but it's hard, and my thoughts feel like fragments. Wisps of thoughts that hover on the edge, without form or substance. One day I'll get them all down but I'm okay with the fact that today isn't today... 

  I don't have any words of wisdom or anything to say. In fact, I'm not quite sure how to end this blog post. Life continues on. We finally got all the books put away (we had all the carpet in the house replaced) and was that ever a project! Now I just have to update the list (ha!). Josh started a new job at the beginning of July and is enjoying it. I'm enjoying getting to see him again. :) I've been sick for the past two & half weeks - started out with a staff infection in my throat. I went in and saw the doctor again today because this stupid fever isn't going away. We aren't entirely sure what it is - we do know that it isn't strep. But they are running some tests and I should hopefully know something in the next few days. My family is going on a mini vacation next week. Oh, and I got into St. Catherine! I'm super excited about it!!! I'll be studying ASL to become an interpreter. They have one of the best programs in the nation, and it's right here in the twin cities. And because I'm a transfer student, I received a scholarship. That totally blew me away. 

Life goes on... bitter and sweet all mixed together. There's a quote that I like. "The way I see it, life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don't always soften the bad things, but vice versa, the bad things don't necessarily spoil the good things or make them unimportant." I'm working on appreciating the good in the midst of the hard, and looking for the good in the hard. 

"Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written, the days fashioned for me, when as yet there were none of them. How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How great is the sum of them! If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand; when I awake, I am still with You." Psalm 139: 16-18

In His Love,

Christy