Breaking the Silence

Well, I'll be honest and say that this post was not the post that I thought I was going to get to write a couple of months ago. But once again, God has got a different plan in mind for me than I did for myself. I suppose I should be used to this fact by now, but every time I think I've got something figured out, I realize I don't. :)

   This Mother's Day, Josh and I announced that we were expecting a baby. On Mother's Day. I was so happy. My birthday was just a few days away, and it seemed so fitting. The next day, I started spotting. What followed was a nearly four week long journey of hoping, of praying, that everything would turn out okay, and the baby would make it. But she didn't...

 You see, I've started this post a couple of times now, and each time I've started it, I've had to walk away. A part of me just isn't ready to talk about it on my blog yet... One day I will be, but right now, all I want to do is cry. It hurts. I don't know for sure if it was a girl or a boy, but we named her Lily Rose anyway.  I have a lot I want to say about those four weeks, but it's hard, and my thoughts feel like fragments. Wisps of thoughts that hover on the edge, without form or substance. One day I'll get them all down but I'm okay with the fact that today isn't today... 

  I don't have any words of wisdom or anything to say. In fact, I'm not quite sure how to end this blog post. Life continues on. We finally got all the books put away (we had all the carpet in the house replaced) and was that ever a project! Now I just have to update the list (ha!). Josh started a new job at the beginning of July and is enjoying it. I'm enjoying getting to see him again. :) I've been sick for the past two & half weeks - started out with a staff infection in my throat. I went in and saw the doctor again today because this stupid fever isn't going away. We aren't entirely sure what it is - we do know that it isn't strep. But they are running some tests and I should hopefully know something in the next few days. My family is going on a mini vacation next week. Oh, and I got into St. Catherine! I'm super excited about it!!! I'll be studying ASL to become an interpreter. They have one of the best programs in the nation, and it's right here in the twin cities. And because I'm a transfer student, I received a scholarship. That totally blew me away. 

Life goes on... bitter and sweet all mixed together. There's a quote that I like. "The way I see it, life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don't always soften the bad things, but vice versa, the bad things don't necessarily spoil the good things or make them unimportant." I'm working on appreciating the good in the midst of the hard, and looking for the good in the hard. 

"Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written, the days fashioned for me, when as yet there were none of them. How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How great is the sum of them! If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand; when I awake, I am still with You." Psalm 139: 16-18

In His Love,

Christy

Music Mix Up Mondays #36

Happy Easter everyone! Yes, I know it was yesterday. :) When I was younger, we used to be involved in the play that our church did for Easter. We called it a Passion Play. And this was one of the songs that they used to sing during the crucifixion scene. It is still one of my favorites. "Down the Via Dolorosa" by Sandy Patti.




In His Love,
 Christy

Music Mix-Up Mondays #35

Happy Monday everyone! I hope you are all having a wonderful start to your week. In my devotions, I've been focusing a lot on how life isn't really about me, but about God. And what that looks like lived out. I mean, I've known that for most of my life, but what does it look like in reality? How am I letting that fact change my life? One of the things I've been working on is looking for the positive, and being thankful for what I have, instead of ungrateful for what I don't. I know that sounds really elementary, but sometimes it's good to go back to the roots and work on making the foundation stronger. So, with that in mind, and with Easter just around the corner, I thought I'd do "Praise the King," sung by Cindy Morgan.

Without Him, life isn't worth living. And I know how easy it is to get caught up in the hum of busy life. Been there, done that. But it's good to stop and just say, Thank You. And remember all that He does for us.

In His Love,
Christy

Thoughts

Standing in the Rain.

Hey guys... So it's been a couple of weeks since I posted anything. I got the flu, twice, in the space of a week. :/ NOT FUN! But it's finally all gone, and I'm feeling like I'm catching up on life again, so here I am. These past few weeks have been really hard. For the past two and a half years, I've worked at the daycare that is at our church. I have loved my job and the kids. Well, a couple of weeks ago, I ended up losing my job. It was very sudden and unexpected. My heart has been hurting since then. I know God has a plan in all of this, and a part of me is excited to see what happens, but on the other hand, it just doesn't make sense and that makes it difficult.
   See, I've battled feelings of inferiority for most of my teenage/adult life. Feeling like I'm not as important or worth as much others. I've known, to some extent, that that isn't the truth, but it hasn't changed how I felt. I've felt like I couldn't measure up to someone's idea of who or what I should be. I've been replaced, I'm not needed. I'm not valuable. These are all lies that I have believed for most of my life. And they have tried to wreak havoc in my life. I have striven for perfection in the hopes of proving the lies wrong. But they sat in the shadows, waiting for me to mess up and prove that they were right. They hounded my heels, causing me to question what I was doing and why. The other lie that has dodged my every step was one that didn't really sound like a lie. More like I thought that it was the way it was supposed to be. It masqueraded as humility, but really, it wanted to own me. The lie? I call it Just. I'm only a "just". I downplayed all that I am. My hair and eyes are just brown, I'm only so tall, I'm only an aide, I can only read notes, I can't hear music, etc. You name it, I downplayed it and discounted it. I've looked at others and thought about how much better they were than me. It sat there and whispered and fed the other lies. Just. Such a small word, yet when allowed, it toyed with my life and caused chaos and commotion. It's a lie that because "I'm only a 'just,' I don't matter as much. Others have more to say. Someone else can do it better."
   And not only was this a lie that caused me to doubt myself and God, but I used this lie as a shield to keep myself safe. That way, others couldn't discount me. If I didn't reach out and try for things, no one could say that I failed. Or that I didn't measure up. Or I wasn't good enough. Or whatever. It didn't really matter, I just didn't want to be belittled or made fun of. To be made like I didn't matter.
   But it doesn't matter what other people say about me. Because all of those lies are just that. Lies. They aren't what God says about me. He says that He CHOSE me. He called me by name. I don't need to prove anything to anyone because I am His. I am His beloved. And nothing is wasted. Everything works together for my good. And He knows the plans that He has for me, I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
   These are all thoughts that have been mulling around in my brain for the past few months... And then I lost my job. And you know what? Those lies didn't rear their ugly heads. God has been working on my heart, and I know that it is all going to be okay. Am I sad? You bet! But this I know for sure: God is in control. He is my Beloved, and I am His. He is hiding me in the shadow of His wings, and the storm can't get to me. I just have to chose to trust Him. I'll be honest, though, some days are easier than others. I grieve for all that was lost. But I don't wallow in the lies that I am a failure. Did I mess up? Yes, I didn't do it all perfectly. But that doesn't make me a failure. It just means that I am human. And in my humanness, mistakes were made. I'm working on my flaws, and striving to live as Christ has called me. I'm not perfect, but He is perfect in me. And one day, I'll be mature. Mostly. :) There's a part of me that will always remain childlike, but I like that part of me. :)
   I apologize for the length, but hopefully this has encouraged you as much as it has encouraged me. For in putting all these thoughts into words, He has reminded me that I'm not alone, and He is good. And nothing happens that isn't going to be good for me.

In His Love,
   Christy

My Year in Review

So, since I haven't posted in a year, I thought I'd do a quick Year-In-Review, just to catch all y'all up to speed about what's been happening in my life. My last post from last year was in April, with a photo-shoot that my sister did. That following weekend, I got ENGAGED! And my life since then has been a rapid ride, full of many changes, some pleasant, and some not so pleasant.

I'll be honest and say that I thought that I'd never get married. I'd been down that road once already, and it hadn't worked out, and I'd reached a point in my life where I figured I'd missed it, you know? And I really was okay with that. I figured I'd get a cute little house, a couple of cats, and be happy with my writing and my knitting. A good, old-fashioned, old maid, so to speak. And I enjoyed that idea. So when Josh walked into my life, it was a huge upset. Not a bad one, mind you, but a big one. And it did cause a lot of old hurts that I'd thought I'd gotten over to come back up again, in a different way. But by the time Josh proposed, I was head over heals in love, and knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that this was God's plan for the both of us.

So, I got engaged in April, and we started wedding planning right away. WOW! I've never been very good at making a lot of decisions when I have a ton of options, and planning a wedding is nothing but full of decisions with a bazillion options. Who knew that people cared what was on the tables, and that it really did matter if the plates were white or not, or if the silverware was clear plastic or white plastic. Really? All that matters? Why? But anyway, I digress. I went dress shopping and found the perfect dress (is there any other?) and things started to fall into place after that. I think it was harder trying to find a bridesmaid's dress than it was to find my dress! No wonder my hair is turning grey. :) It was so amazing how so many people pitched in to help. I had one friend who catered the food, and it was AMAZING! Another friend helped me with the flowers and putting the bouquets and organizing the decorating. If it wasn't for her, I'm not sure how the wedding would have turned out!  And I couldn't have done it without my maid of honor. She was there through it all for me. We made colored sand and melted crayons to make crayon hearts. It was so much fun. Stressful at times, but fun. Crazy, wild, but fun.

And then, almost before I could blink, the wedding date arrived. So many things happened that day, it was CRAZY! But God was good, and everything worked out, and the day just flew by. I got married in September, and it was beyond anything I could imagine. I'll upload some pictures in another blog post, but I don't have access to any right now.

Since then, I've just been working a lot, and adjusting to being married. It's really different, not going to lie, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. I've dealt with a lot of junk from my past these past few months, and Josh has been incredible supportive. God has been washing and cleansing my heart, and I'm learning to walk on the waves while keeping my eyes fixed on Him. But more on that to come later. :) I've just got to say, it's good to be back. I have missed writing and blogging. Hope you all have a wonderful evening!

In His Love,
Christy

Music Mix-Up Mondays #34

Hey All! So these past few days have been really hard, as I've had something unexpected happen in my life. It was a shock, and it's been really hard and sad. No, no one died or anything. :) But it still hurts and is sad. And yesterday, my mother showed me this hysterical video that I thought I'd share. If you haven't heard of the movie Frozen yet, then you really must be living under a rock or in the forest. :) This is the song, "Let it Go," sung by a young man doing many favorite and beloved Disny & Pixar voices. Enjoy!
Which character was your favorite? I really like Winnie the Pooh. Or Goofy. :) I hope you all enjoyed it as much as I did, and it brought a smile to your day! :) In His Love, Christy

Music Mix-Up Mondays #33

Hey Everyone... I know I haven't blogged in about a year, but one of my "new year resolutions" has been to blog more. Obviously, that hasn't happened yet. But, "every day is fresh, with no mistakes in it yet," and I'm starting fresh today. :) So, since today is Monday, and Monday is my music day, I'd thought I'd start with a music video. This week, I picked a song from my church's women's retreat that happened a couple of weeks ago. I've heard this song a bazillion times before, but this time, God used it in a new way for me. The song is called "Forever Reign" by Hillsong.




In the second verse it says, "You are peace, You are peace when my fear is crippling, You are true, You are true, even in my wandering. You are joy, You are joy, You're the reason that I sing. You are life, You are life, in You death has lost its sting." and the phrase, "in You death has lost its sting" jumped out at me. I've always thought that it was talking about physical death, which is true. But there was so much more that God had for me. This is what He showed me:
   Not just physical death at the end of my life. But the death of the lies that I have believed, the friendships that are lost, the dreams that have been shattered, the innocence that has been ripped away, the emotions that were trample on, the freedom that was cut off. They will be restored by His power. The power of the enemy is gone. The sting has been replaced by my Heavenly Father's love, by the grace of Jesus, until the only thing left in me is His light and truth. I have no need to walk in the pain of death.

So that is my encouragement to you today. Don't walk in the pain of death, whatever form it may take in your life. It does not need to have power over your life. Jesus died to take it away. Run to His arms, for only there can one be made whole again.

In His Love,
Christy